tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-43242874624480631952024-03-13T20:29:32.684+00:00Growing through submissioni've asked my Husband if we can transition our marriage toward D/s. These are my discoveries, experiences and general ramblings along the journey.D's shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09296899118092594320noreply@blogger.comBlogger70125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4324287462448063195.post-59535146536055609742010-07-21T22:04:00.000+01:002010-07-21T22:04:12.077+01:00the times they are a changing<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.alliewellington.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/long_time_no_see_postcard-p239738589187726208qibm_400.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://www.alliewellington.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/long_time_no_see_postcard-p239738589187726208qibm_400.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>Things have been crazy busy for us. i have been manically finishing the course in order to be qualified for the job i start in Sept. so D has been starting the transition to being s SAHD (stay at home Dad). It's weird, we've been so busy and stressed and tired that D/s has taken a back seat to put it mildly.<br />
Probably because it was a new thing for us it just hasn't really held- is currently only visible in our sex life and even then it's no where near what it was- there'd definitely been no 'sceneing'..<br />
i think i'm write in saying this isn't really what either of us want but there's so much to deal with right now and it just isn't at the top of the list. i am finding that i was starting to get used to the security that my submission (or D's dominance?) was offering me and i am really missing that particularly in the way things are quite unstable. i definintely think my behaviour (by which i mostly mean the way i behave toward D) has slipped- i'm not consciously challenging Him but with hindsight it certainly looks that way. i feel that our change of circumstances makes me need a firmer hand at home- i need to be able to let go into a secure 'framework' but so far the reality is making it very difficult to find the time to for either of us to work at this.<br />
i don't really know how to start.D's shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09296899118092594320noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4324287462448063195.post-73365071538601401952010-06-04T09:48:00.000+01:002010-06-04T09:48:14.227+01:00An adjustment<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:HYQ961SAmIvtZM:http://veronikanagy.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/paper_fortune_sm.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:HYQ961SAmIvtZM:http://veronikanagy.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/paper_fortune_sm.jpg" /></span></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The full orgasm denial just wasn't really working for us for various reasons. </span><br />
<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We're experimenting with a new thing:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Over breakfast we talk about what we've got on for our days, how busy we are etc.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">At some time before He leaves for work, D then gives me a number which indicated how many times He wants me to orgasm for Him before He gets home. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So if He wants me horny and gagging for it it's likely to be a big fat zero, quite often though it's one or two and He hasn't yet but i guess He could choose some ridiculously high number.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It makes so much difference to feel like i really am doing it for Him. i think it's helping us get more in tune with each other too.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My number today? 2</span></div><div><br />
</div>D's shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09296899118092594320noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4324287462448063195.post-20275238722607352672010-05-28T10:43:00.000+01:002010-05-28T10:43:05.456+01:00Developments<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiujRobW3wurqvtjp9M98_6lelgmbQHYvMyR7Lgsdq_ja_w_VxihBk6h5ByvHvSlWfHYDo_8RnTmDq6o-6kwQZaSr8rdUOkrWXZEcN4tAzSXfEl4OXkgtNE5kglW8Fg7gHyuaybihOpQ30/s1600/seedling.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiujRobW3wurqvtjp9M98_6lelgmbQHYvMyR7Lgsdq_ja_w_VxihBk6h5ByvHvSlWfHYDo_8RnTmDq6o-6kwQZaSr8rdUOkrWXZEcN4tAzSXfEl4OXkgtNE5kglW8Fg7gHyuaybihOpQ30/s320/seedling.jpg" /></a></div>Apologies for my tardiness in posting- things have been pretty hectic for us recently and with no immediate signs of changing. Our big news is that i got the job i went for this week. So i now need to complete my course before i'm due to start in Sept and then i will be the one going out to work while D stays at home with the kids (most of the time- He's still going to do some part time work).<br />
<br />
So this is going to be a massive change for us and we've not even begun to process what it will mean for TTWD. We'll get there i'm sure but it all seems a bit overwhelming right now.<br />
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In other news... D is rewarding me for my interview success with a Hitach Magic Wand *jumps for joy*! ... am i going to come to regret this?D's shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09296899118092594320noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4324287462448063195.post-72092256866227260002010-05-20T15:02:00.001+01:002010-05-20T15:03:54.043+01:00the need for discipline<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:u0o_TObkcyQQxM:http://itorganization2017.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/student_discipline_head_photo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:u0o_TObkcyQQxM:http://itorganization2017.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/student_discipline_head_photo.jpg" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">D is very reluctant about the idea of any real sort of discipline or correction or punishment or whatever you want to call it.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">i feel like it's something i need to truly feel 'submitted' - like the fact of consequences actually make me feel more safe in being owned/controlled. i'm really struggling to explain myself properly to D though and He seems to interpret what i'm saying as asking for the actual punishment which is most definitely not what i mean. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">i'm wondering if anyone could help out with an explanation of why they feel they need this in their dynamic (to those of you who do)? Dom and sub views would be most welcome.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Please comment below and/or put up your own post on the topic - Thanks!!</span>D's shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09296899118092594320noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4324287462448063195.post-80284426232722789392010-05-18T09:59:00.000+01:002010-05-18T09:59:02.336+01:00Lock Down.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:gkikPHZBrY78uM:http://lockdownsystemsfm.com/LockDown_Logo_V3_op_800x722.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:gkikPHZBrY78uM:http://lockdownsystemsfm.com/LockDown_Logo_V3_op_800x722.jpg" /></span></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">as D mentioned in His post, we had a fall out yesterday morning. For me it came out of the blue, literally: i woke up to it. </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">i don't believe in putting emotions on hold and (probably because i don't believe in it) i'm not very good at it. Throughout our relationship i've always been the one that's pushed to keep the lines of communication open, that's insisted on not going to bed on an argument, even when it's been difficult and D has been furious about it.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Yesterday He pretty much enforced the 'putting on hold', just wouldn't discuss it. And something in me seemed to just snap. i feel completely shut down. Cold. It's not good and kind of scary. i'm feeling very far away from D right now. i actually feel like it's made me feel slightly manic - i've got this very strong urge to just sack off all responsibility-take the kids somewhere exciting- who cares about dinner? Is this because i'm not feeling safe? i think it might be. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Recently, D's seemed a lot more comfortably in control and i think we'd moved on a few steps (at HIs pace). i have been feeling more 'submitted' and thus more vulnerable i guess, it's also seemed to bring out some pain slut tendencies. i think maybe it's scary for D? </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When He treats me the way He did yesterday though, that exposed trust feels like a very fragile thing. Unfortunately i think it's led to Fort Knox reinstating itself.</span>D's shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09296899118092594320noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4324287462448063195.post-75316208238554970392010-05-12T10:16:00.000+01:002010-05-12T10:16:51.086+01:00a very hard post to write<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Things have been a bit crazy this week for me. i've stared at this page quite a few times but just can't seem to get the words together. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Some quite small thing happened between us. It led to me feeling like i'd misplaced my trust. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Suddenly i was overwhelmed with (i guess previously repressed) insecurities. It seems i have deep seated concerned that i just don't matter enough to D. There's all this worry and i'm not totally sure where's it's really come from but it's leaving me immensely vulnerable. It's a scary place to be. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">i think maybe at first D didn't realise what was happening- i've never ever reacted quite like this before. He tried to deal with me by pushing forward. He used ropes and while He was tying me i started to feel safer, but as soon as He moved away from me (we've played before with kinda fake abandonment and i've found it v hot) this time i just started panicking. i mean really panicking. i managed to hold on enough to try and warn Him "yellow" but i couldn't explain and i think He thought i was just trying to top. So of course i reached "red" and pretty much lost it. Part of my head knew i was being irrational- he was really less than two feet away from me for goodness sake but i just couldn't make that part take over and the rest of me was just like that girl in the car in Jurrasic Park</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">|"He left us, He left us" - and yes, for those of you jumping to that conclusion, i suspect this is related to childhood trauma. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Turns out i have major abandomnment/ neglect issues and after years of repression they're suddenly very real and very raw. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We've moved forward since then- really moved forward. But i'm still pretty damn overwhelmed. i feel so ...scared, basically. We've been together nearly 8 years and i'm still not confident that i matter to Him much, that i come particularly high in His thoughts or priorities. Silly huh? Fears deep seated enough to give me panic attacks as they rise to the surface.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This rawness is scary, but i feel an awareness of it deepening my submission. D has taken a new level of ownership maybe- and He's helping me through.</span>D's shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09296899118092594320noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4324287462448063195.post-73431437094144610782010-05-04T10:57:00.000+01:002010-05-04T10:57:55.834+01:00BDSM nudge nudge wink winkWe have a new game.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:YUJ3yY80NCqslM:http://www.swankpets.com/images/PinkFlowerLead.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:YUJ3yY80NCqslM:http://www.swankpets.com/images/PinkFlowerLead.jpg" /></a></div>In a pet store.<br />
Me: ooh look love that's a nice leash<br />
Him: hmm yes I noticed that, nice dog bowl too.<br />
Me: *eyes widen* <i>thinks: </i> He wouldn't... would He?<br />
<br />
Walking past a clothing store.<br />
Me: you need a new belt don't You love?<br />
Him: yes, I like that one with the metal studs<br />
Me: *gulp*<br />
<br />
In a kitchen store.<br />
Me: This wooden spoon looks um useful<br />
Him: I think we need a slotted spatula more.<br />
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You may have noticed by now that i am a complete and utter, foolish glutton for punishment.D's shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09296899118092594320noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4324287462448063195.post-88623133130504855852010-04-30T08:53:00.000+01:002010-04-30T08:53:04.139+01:00Thank you so much to everyone who pitched in on the punishment issue. We've talked a lot over the last few days and i will write a proper response after the weekend but right now we're packing to go away for the weekend.<br />
Happy Bank Holiday!D's shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09296899118092594320noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4324287462448063195.post-11871441024153079132010-04-28T10:44:00.000+01:002010-04-28T10:44:23.559+01:00A Question<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.clipartheaven.com/clipart/education_&_schools/cartoons/question_mark.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://www.clipartheaven.com/clipart/education_&_schools/cartoons/question_mark.gif" width="183" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">i have a question and would be really keen to hear what you have to say.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">As you may have read before, D has restricted my ability to touch myself and give myself orgasm. i may not do this without permission. Also, on days that i can't wear my smart balls in the afternoon i am supposed to touch myself without reaching orgasm.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">There's is a fair amount of tension between us about this for a couple of reasons. One is that i have failed a couple of time (please don't be mean, i'm new at this) and felt a fair amount of time feeling disappointed in myself for letting D down and guilty about it but then D appeared to not be bothered and i haven't really received any correction (in the spirit of honesty He has talked about it when spanking me but only after i'd talked to Him about this). We are both in agreement that corporal punishment is unlikely to work (at least right now) so i guess my question is if you are a sub then how does your Master react to this type of failure and if you are a Dom then how would you react- what am i doing wrong?</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The other issue is that this restriction has totally ramped up my sex drive. i seem to be in a fairly constant state of subbie desire and i'm (again in the spirit of honesty, i don't like this about myself) feeling resentful that He's not taking any advantage of having me in this state so it kind of feels like the rule is hard to stick to under these circumstances. So here i guess my question is, if you are a sub then does this affect you the same way and does your Master make the most of it? and if you are a Dom then why do/would you use this restriction and how/would you take advantage of it?</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Would be very interested to hear your opinions so please please comment!</span>D's shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09296899118092594320noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4324287462448063195.post-80889606679169743612010-04-26T10:50:00.001+01:002010-04-26T16:14:15.979+01:00a novel way to end an argument<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjym3cDOe8OgAyaNnzPyHaMGPutkU2vkVhWWnUdIfLhSH6FWzBlAKkN0uffqdVYD92a3DChj8mF530-hFxmVLm3vTACVYoa3gzHp68BGkCD3QekM5ZzUMrPbystxG-YSjjh9VeGvzSjOT0/s1600/fist.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjym3cDOe8OgAyaNnzPyHaMGPutkU2vkVhWWnUdIfLhSH6FWzBlAKkN0uffqdVYD92a3DChj8mF530-hFxmVLm3vTACVYoa3gzHp68BGkCD3QekM5ZzUMrPbystxG-YSjjh9VeGvzSjOT0/s200/fist.png" width="140" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Big Silly Row That Wasn't </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">TM</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> Well it wasn't a row exactly. There wasn't something we were specifically disagreeing about. More like an overflow of emotions and insecurity and stress from both of us. Pushing each other's buttons. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Getting through to the other side left us both drained and exhausted. But somehow we were talking, really talkling, finally breaking through from generalities to helpful specifics. We talked about the issues D has had around play. What he explained was, quite honestly, a pleasant surprise. i think i'd jumped to conclusions that His hesitance or reluctance was to do with making himself do something just because i wanted it. Last night He explained that actually it's that He's not yet feeling 'dominance' as part of our sex life. He's feeling 'kinkiness' and my submission, but my understanding of what He explained is that for Him a large part of feeling this dominance is to do with being more focussed on me (as sub?) when we play and i think being more forward thinking - like in terms of my training and His development? i'm sorry if i'm not explaining this well, i'm trying to clarify my understanding of His thoughts - ooh i hope this won't get me in trouble.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My initial reaction, which may be bad, was a sense of relief. This is something we can work on together, this is not what i'd feared because if He it was the case that He just wasn't into it then that would have been the end of that really. This though is something we can look for solutions for and keep moving slowly forward. This also makes me feel so cared for by Him. He was seeing it as a crisis of confidence but i think it may actually be the most Domly thing He's said to date. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">i think He's found my enthusiasm a little intimidating also. i do have a tendency to take an idea and run with it and i like talking about things... a lot. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">i tried to explain that the biggest turn on for me is His desire. When He mentions something, i become super focussed on it- quite often with a mix of fascination and fear or intimidation. i used the example of how a couple of weeks ago, while we were having sex, He'd told me He was at some point going to fist me. The way He'd described it had made me feel INCREDIBLY submissive, all squirmy and wriggly and little, at the time and had firmly lodged itself in my mind and has been something i've kept coming back to. It's not something i would have become particularly focused on of my own accord though. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When i explained this, D reacted in two ways that at first seemed to oppose each other. As His hands moving inside my pyjama trousers, He told me how intimidating He found it, that He knew nothing about these things we've discussed, He found the responsibility scary because He knew nothing about how to do them safely.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Squirming under His touch, i pointed out that i knew just as little but we always Had 'Mr Google' on hand. As His fingers began to dip inside me He created an amusing image of stopping mid-coitus to check online how to insert a buttplug. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Starting to become breathless, i endeavoured to show Him that we already know enough to make first endeavours safe so long as we go slow and keep checking in with each other. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> "well i think in the case of both butt plugs and fisting a lot of lube is going to be necessary. i think i'd be grateful in both instances if you went very slowly and gently..ugh... i guess i need to be relaxed...umm [squirming more and more] ...ahh... if at first we don't succeed...ummm... i mean... it doesn't matter if it doesn't work first time does ittt..err?"</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Suddenly (or so it seemed to me in my distracted state) He's reaching for the lube. i can feel His well oiled fingers gently stretching me, testing my skin, pushing and retracting, at first i'm feeling calm, calm enough to explain that i need Him to keep talking, to relax me into it. As He starts to push further i can feel myself starting to feel a bit panicky, my daughter is only 1 and the feeling was disturbingly familiar whilst at the same very different. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He stopped where He was, He calmed me, He showed me He wasn't going to give up just because it was hard for me. When i was calmer He began to move His hand again. i felt so exposed, so vulnerable, so submissive. i think around this time i began to lose the power of speech. The feeling of Him in me like that was extremely intense, maybe especially after the emotional turmoil of the evening. He told me how much He liked it, it felt amazing to hear that without having to ask, because i wouldn't have been able to ask anyway.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He began to play with my clit too, at first it was wonderful, it helped me relax and just feel. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">and then, suddenly, it was too much. i still couldn't talk but thankfully D seemed to just know, He slowly moved out while He kept up the pressure on my clit. i came almost immediately, i felt totally overwhelmed and consumed. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span>D's shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09296899118092594320noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4324287462448063195.post-59745841902639326912010-04-22T10:36:00.001+01:002010-04-22T10:36:50.495+01:00my blog as a word cloud<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmA2kxI_PrVnSmN6KRty4JZlOlXE0VHpAZp0w20LkVNLJmW5P7bpM3ng-3YcGkRnWXZY0VJ0A38TgaoEzoJbe-1btwDBmtpeFHRC8TNNI5wVFCT2Ja1h1XrNP3BKEwH4ZLBX_lS3-Qj78/s1600/growingthroughsubmissionwor.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="307" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmA2kxI_PrVnSmN6KRty4JZlOlXE0VHpAZp0w20LkVNLJmW5P7bpM3ng-3YcGkRnWXZY0VJ0A38TgaoEzoJbe-1btwDBmtpeFHRC8TNNI5wVFCT2Ja1h1XrNP3BKEwH4ZLBX_lS3-Qj78/s400/growingthroughsubmissionwor.gif" width="400" /></a><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> I discovered the <a href="http://www.wordle.net/">Wordle</a> site on <a href="http://hiswyldrose.blogspot.com/">His rose's blog</a> so thank you!</div>D's shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09296899118092594320noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4324287462448063195.post-15765380272390786052010-04-19T15:34:00.001+01:002010-04-19T20:17:38.424+01:00training-ish<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtf-E8A8LIQH1fcU_GzQyhbpHdfr4lZ5MVmaNOgx8PEqvGO5_aTJkCZQ1XU9sErR_M0Hx8P2v00hw3T-MM9N89qpa_phXuXRY6dQo4K3aIvAwsrAxd4-tP49WSePhoYEnaoOfigjFu770/s1600/pubis.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtf-E8A8LIQH1fcU_GzQyhbpHdfr4lZ5MVmaNOgx8PEqvGO5_aTJkCZQ1XU9sErR_M0Hx8P2v00hw3T-MM9N89qpa_phXuXRY6dQo4K3aIvAwsrAxd4-tP49WSePhoYEnaoOfigjFu770/s200/pubis.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">so i'm really struggling with the rules about masturbation and orgasms. i think there's a lot of things contributing to this. i've tried to compile a list to help me understand:</span><br />
<br />
<ul><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> i suffer from insommnia (at times chronic) and i have often used masturbation as a way of relaxing myself.</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">i have a high sex drive and i think that masturbating kinda helped me control this as since it's been restricted i'm feeling a lot more sexual frustration.</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">D's sex drive is (certainly in current practical terms) quite a bit lower than mine.</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">things are particularly stressful at the moment so i guess maybe i'm feeling the need for release more.</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">the times when i have failed and broken rules D doesn't really seem bothered - He's certainly not really done anything more than laugh at me.- this is true for touching myself without permission and cumming without permission both on my own and during sex/play.</span></li>
</ul><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">so last night i was trying to be good and not touch myself in bed, we were both extremely tired but i just couldn't get to sleep and was finding it frustrating. D decided to try something new and had me loosely hold Him while He rested His hand over my mound and clit. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Immediately i was on fire and desperate. He persisted, He told me i needed to learn to break the habit. i argued that breaking the habit was one thing but making it even harder for me to sleep was another. He stuck to His guns though and insisted that i would have to get used to it as He would do it every night this week.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">i managed to bite my tongue and try to accept but the crazy pent up energy was still there so i was lying there trying to keep quiet whilst squirming and fidgeting to try to find a way to release a bit of the energy and be able to sleep.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He kept me like this for half an hour, He comforted me when i was nearly in tears, </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">and then He made me cum and wouldn't let me stop...</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">already today though i feel out of control with it again *sigh* i wish i was better at it. </span>D's shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09296899118092594320noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4324287462448063195.post-26039150399742106032010-04-16T10:48:00.001+01:002010-04-19T20:18:58.986+01:00Roles and Roles<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGh7dWEN_TuvyeNNHe2g-Sc_P2_P3iFrmBZwnP8OX_x4zUpYfgLzKq6CiJxh5CFn-ZnnX9L7e1ihJlPnsLkT7TysOi31Dtn2MzJZ51YzCn2LzNcFMhrV74v19kCR3lhot3I2UU-yOLgaM/s1600/rolls.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGh7dWEN_TuvyeNNHe2g-Sc_P2_P3iFrmBZwnP8OX_x4zUpYfgLzKq6CiJxh5CFn-ZnnX9L7e1ihJlPnsLkT7TysOi31Dtn2MzJZ51YzCn2LzNcFMhrV74v19kCR3lhot3I2UU-yOLgaM/s320/rolls.jpg" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">There are some potentially big changes on the horizon in our everyday lives that would involve a massive shift in the way we work. Put simply, it's become a possibility that i might become the 'breadwinner' for a time. Whilst i've always been the one with the clear ideas if the career i want, it's leaving me feeling confused and concerned about how it will affect our dynamic. Especially given it's relative newness. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">i'm having difficulty visualising coming home from work to D putting dinner on the table and still being able to feel like He's in control. But i KNOW that this is what i need now, and i suspect that work stresses will only make me need it more. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Maybe D getting a bit more headspace will prove to be positive though, ..</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It may not happen anyway. This is a confusing and stressful time for us - D seems in a good place though and yesterday mentioned His intention to use TTWD to help us through- that feels like massive progress.</span>D's shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09296899118092594320noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4324287462448063195.post-66960829806361768982010-04-12T14:05:00.000+01:002010-04-12T14:05:14.802+01:00Brought in line<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1feHKikZtzVsujBDnYI4BTh_GyGkX5HQM08JvgZKhyTGgC8DOu6yzoe6XdUN3yJ6do9nbDOnES46SDIajVF4JOsW4LWmyy8iRgac3QhVs724vEoPIED_HByBRymiO7ItMsZHe1dVq0Zk/s1600/do-not-touch.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1feHKikZtzVsujBDnYI4BTh_GyGkX5HQM08JvgZKhyTGgC8DOu6yzoe6XdUN3yJ6do9nbDOnES46SDIajVF4JOsW4LWmyy8iRgac3QhVs724vEoPIED_HByBRymiO7ItMsZHe1dVq0Zk/s200/do-not-touch.gif" width="154" /></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> i received my first 'real' punishment. i've been massively sleep deprived and not dealing well with things recently and i let it all come out at D focused on the frustration i've been feeling about not feeling much input from Him with TTWD. To be honest i was pretty horrible and then i went off in a strop and fell asleep. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">After the children were in bed D spoke to me about my behaviour in a way He's not done before (thankfully i had the good sense not to try and argue back like i might have done in the past) - it felt like a lecture and i quickly found myself feeling pretty humbled. He set me clear 'this is not acceptable-s' and expectations. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The planned scenes for Sunday nights are now cancelled. This type of play will now only happen if i earn it and even then it depends on when D decides. i suspect this is going to be a very effective motivator for me, especially as my sex drive has always seemed higher than his. Oh and also He says there will def be no play until i've caught up on the ironing- drat, i've really been caught out on that one!</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Bizarrely- even thinking about thiss makes me feel so much more ... secure. i feel like He really notices me and what i do. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Cared for.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">oh i nearly forgot to say... my punishment was that i was not allowed to touch Him in bed - even to cuddle. It was horrible, especially knowing that it left me unable to meet His needs. i think the very existence of the need for punishment, the guilt and the lectyre, was worse though. At least carrying out the punishment felt like an act of penitence so that i can be forward looking again.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div>D's shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09296899118092594320noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4324287462448063195.post-31786604568353519982010-04-10T14:33:00.001+01:002010-04-10T14:42:23.107+01:00openness is next to godliness<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ17IgPRySOEXbKZk3MAsjFoTsEj87IoBiEAIXyjHs6rDAfz-zFJJRd73N1Kayu4-oF-QydgyipjSu35-jdrrx4gFXnGVIp8diI1BQTuTy3AF9CgbLWKAQgtst-sA8JcLNRrrhmW3fA3s/s1600/openness.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ17IgPRySOEXbKZk3MAsjFoTsEj87IoBiEAIXyjHs6rDAfz-zFJJRd73N1Kayu4-oF-QydgyipjSu35-jdrrx4gFXnGVIp8diI1BQTuTy3AF9CgbLWKAQgtst-sA8JcLNRrrhmW3fA3s/s200/openness.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The communication thing is ON! We are doing great at keeping things open between us right now. i even managed to not get stroppy when He decided He just wanted to veg in front of the TV rather than spank me last night! The way He talked to me so i knew exactly where He was at just felt so different to anything that's happened before- i was able to understand that it wasn't because He wasn't interested, or anything i'd done. He was just tired.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">God i hope we can keep it like this!</span>D's shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09296899118092594320noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4324287462448063195.post-40129474601674343042010-04-09T15:58:00.001+01:002010-04-10T14:55:13.903+01:00uncharted territory and the power of faith<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8vxJUXEp3ExAs-Gf98FsCYiqlWH44IpnUXJiTq9gxz29dUM_YpNEHlSukaW01TD_9Z_QcTNCzDOt6j6mzWvaOB-Ce9ySDxet15N2t1gUD6e5TgZ_ZznpY_ddiYklUpzPEESaBzq1JWMc/s1600/uncharted+territory.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="143" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8vxJUXEp3ExAs-Gf98FsCYiqlWH44IpnUXJiTq9gxz29dUM_YpNEHlSukaW01TD_9Z_QcTNCzDOt6j6mzWvaOB-Ce9ySDxet15N2t1gUD6e5TgZ_ZznpY_ddiYklUpzPEESaBzq1JWMc/s200/uncharted+territory.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">D used pegs on me for the first time this week.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> The idea had come up a few times recently.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">On Monday, a bag appeared on the kitchen table. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">On Tuesday afternoon I finally caved and mentioned them.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"oh you noticed them huh." - that was the most i could get out of Him.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">On Wednesday evening, we had a discussion about the frustrations i've been feeling lately. D had me right down as mmany thing as i could think of that He could do to make me feel 'dominated'. He said he was going to fold them up and pick one out everytime He felt i was antsy. - eek!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">To 'focus me on my task' (i think i was babbling) He placed a clothes peg on the right side of my mouth.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When the speed of my writing started to slow, He ordered me to stand and undress. He began adding more pegs, one on my left shoulder, my right nipple, the left side near my belly button, my right labia, my left breast, my right hand by my thumb, my clit. i think He was deliberately making them asymmetrical, it left me feeling very off balance.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> He kept stepping back to admire His handiwork. i felt like i was blushing right down to my toes and i found it difficult to look at Him.When He spanked me it really took me by surprised, i jumped and cried out loud. He didn't seem to make any real response, i couldn't tell if He was enjoying Himself - the cold clinicalness was at once arousing me and stirring my anxieties about Him doing this just for me. i could feel how aroused i was getting and as He removed them, i'm sure He could too. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When He'd removed all the pegs He sat down and beckoned me to come suck HIs cock, and i eagerly complied. He pulled my hair back to stop me and instructed me to hold still, staring at His cock while He masturbated. When i went to close my mouth to swallow He slapped me and told me to 'keep it open'. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">HIs cum seemed to be everywhere, i could taste it in my mouth, i could feel it on my chin and dripping down onto my cushion. As He rubbed it around my face, i looked up in His eyes and i could see His dominance. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Everyday i'm getting closer to believing that this really is what He wants now too</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;"><br />
</span></span>D's shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09296899118092594320noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4324287462448063195.post-84005118485309065732010-04-06T15:17:00.000+01:002010-04-06T15:17:05.189+01:00Denial<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sometimes it seems that some of the most effective things D does as a dominant actually involve Him doing nothing at all. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Last night i was denied permission to touch myself in bed. i lay there feeling sooo horny, and frustrated, and embarrassed and very much under control. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Having to ask permission feels so embarrassing. i both love it and hate it at the same time. It keeps that submissive feeling in my head - the side effect of this of course is that i find it incredibly arousing. i guess i'm finding that tough right now though because we've kinda agreed (mostly, D has decided in our interest) that the sex side of thing needs to be dampened down a little right now because we're handling so much that we're both utterly shattered. The irrefutable logic of this doesn't stop me fantasising about D randomly deciding He wants me tied up at His feet or presenting myself for His entertainment though. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Hey, a girl can dream i right...?</span>D's shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09296899118092594320noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4324287462448063195.post-76745056958071618532010-04-05T10:50:00.000+01:002010-04-05T10:50:11.373+01:00New Beginnings<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Firstly, i'd like to introduce </span><a href="http://dominant-eye.blogspot.com/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sir D's blog</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> - i'd like to be able to take credit for persuading Him but i'm fairly sure that He doesn't do anything just because i say so -hee hee. Anyways, i hope you can find time to pop over and say hi!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We've had a great beginning to our 'fresh start' this weekend. We're both working harder at fitting things in to our 24/7 lives. On Sat we took the kids out for a daytrip. We held hands a lot, D gave occasional tugs to my hair, i drew His attention to a display of knee high socks with a cheeky grin on my face, He wiped it off by drawing my attention to a display of leather belts *gulp*</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It feels fun again. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Can't wait for Him to get Home- my thoughts are very focused on my Sir while He's at work today.</span>D's shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09296899118092594320noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4324287462448063195.post-87036320740355937452010-04-02T09:37:00.000+01:002010-04-02T09:37:53.951+01:00construction work<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Recently real life has bitten in the backside in several ways. i think, because the cement of our D/s (or whatever you call it) foundations was still wet, it had kinda knocked the whole structure out of whack. Big chunks of the building started to fall down as the scaffolding fell away. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Over the last three days we've managed to extend our contract and look at redigning the basic architectural design. We've had to remove some more parts of the building in order to re-align the foundations, but hopefully the new design will not be so easily knocked.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Some key elements of the new design: </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">D recognises a need to be firmer with me.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">i see that physical punishments are unlikely to work for us, particularly to begin with - we've discussed some alternatives.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">D intends to commit to remaining open and not shut off from me.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">i know that i must improve my attitude and remain respectful even when i feel D is not sticking to something - ie i must commit in the same way.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">i have suggested the idea of finding a mentor for D, He has asked me to set up a blog for Him as i kind of first step to this - so watch this space.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">we are both going to focus on regaining the fun and experimentation element as a priority - so i think we're very open to ideas and suggestions :)</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The whole experience has been very draining but i do think we're in a better, more stable place than we were before. i am closer to really believing that D wants this just as much as i do - i am truly experiencing His commitment, His ownership and i hope we can keep it more consistent now.</span>D's shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09296899118092594320noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4324287462448063195.post-23468560295512101712010-03-30T15:32:00.000+01:002010-03-30T15:32:03.061+01:00losing the fight to win the war?<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We've largely resolved the issues from the weekend. Communication is back up and running and D has expressed an understanding that i need to 'feel' His control, ie that He actually needs to act more on things we've discussed. Things are definitely improving.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">i still seem to be FULL of attitude though. Everything He says i want to fight with - it's mostly coming out in a jokey, teasing kind of way but the sentiment is most definitely there to the extent that i'm finding it kind of shocking. i don't know what it is that's making me look for a fight. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">i suspect maybe it's linked with this need to actually 'feel it' from D - like i need to fight so i can lose? i feel like He puts up with a hell of a lot of attitude from me and i'm not exactly sure why- it's not making me respect Him, it's just making me dislike myself. Oh dear. At least i'm recognising it i guess, that has to be a first step.</span>D's shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09296899118092594320noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4324287462448063195.post-88476160672695764022010-03-27T21:22:00.001+00:002010-04-10T14:44:00.168+01:00gah!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2PMIYn82HGJY6dvlOoWiYreMkiCI59Cd-cJiz6gj6DVgO4MvUYkdedy2H4AoB6gWsSiAvflu4em2jcBZ9JPyBa-okkkw1el9lF09nlwTLsY1JfSKKvq-PdcxnfFsSR6OoNTYvpWI4mxI/s1600/frustration.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="199" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2PMIYn82HGJY6dvlOoWiYreMkiCI59Cd-cJiz6gj6DVgO4MvUYkdedy2H4AoB6gWsSiAvflu4em2jcBZ9JPyBa-okkkw1el9lF09nlwTLsY1JfSKKvq-PdcxnfFsSR6OoNTYvpWI4mxI/s200/frustration.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sitting here alone. D has gone to bed in what basically amounts to a strop. i don't know what's wrong, i don't know why He's shut me out AGAIN but He has.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">i'm feeling angry and betrayed. We talk and talk and talk about the ways we want to change things. About How we both want to use D/s to improve our communication as a key benefit. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But when it comes down to it. When He's not happy about something. He still shuts me out. i can honestly say right now that i'd rather take any sort of punishment than this. Even if He told me that my punishment was not getting His attention- that would still feel different and at least i'd know WHY!!!!!!!!!</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">eek! sorry for the vent--- have been holding alot in this evening!</span>D's shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09296899118092594320noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4324287462448063195.post-49826591514020155622010-03-26T09:14:00.000+00:002010-03-26T09:14:07.260+00:00Terminology<pre><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When i was at university, i directed the first edition of The Vagina Monologues that had happened there (remember i'm in the prudish UK hee hee). It was a truly wonderful experience but there was one bit i, to be honest, always had trouble with - here it is</span></pre><pre></pre><pre>HOWEVER, SHE ALSO TOLD ME IN THE COURSE OF OUR CONVERSATION<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>THAT I HAD SAI D SOMETHING NEGATIVE<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>ABOUT A PARTICULAR WORD.<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>A PEJORATIVE WORD,<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>A WORD THAT'S BEEN USE D TO DECLAIM THE VAGINA,<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>AND SHE NEEDED TO HELP ME RECONCEIVE THIS WORD.<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>SO, FOR THE NEXT HOUR,<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>SHE TALKED TO ME ABOUT THIS WORD,<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>AND WHEN SHE WAS DONE,<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>I WAS A CONVERT.<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>. I WROTE THIS FOR HER..<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>I CALL IT...<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>CUNT.<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>I'VE RECLAIMED IT.<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>CUNT.<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>I REALLY LIKE IT.<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>CUNT,<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>JUST LISTEN TO IT, LISTEN TO IT.<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>CUNT.<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>CA...<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>CA...<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>CAVERN,<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>CACKLE, CLIT, CUTE, COME-CLOSED C,<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>CLOSED INSIDE, INSIDE CA...<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>CA...<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>THEN U...<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>THEN CU...<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>THEN CURVY, INVITING SHARKSKIN, U...<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>UNIFORM,<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>UNDER,<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>UP,<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>URGE,<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>OOH, OOH, U...<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>. THEN N, THEN CUN..<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>CUN...<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>SNUG LETTERS FITTING PERFECTLY TOGETHER.<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>N...<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>NEST, NOW,<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>NEXUS, NICE,<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>ALWAYS DEPTH, ALWAYS ROUND IN UPPERCASE,<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>CUN, CUN... !<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>A JAGGED WICKE D ELECTRICAL PULSE.<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>N..., N...<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>THEN SOFT N, WARM N...<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>CUN, CUN.<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>THEN T, THEN T...<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>THEN SHARP CERTAIN TANGY T...<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>TEXTURE, TAKE,<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>TIGHT, TENT,<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>TANTALIZING,<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>TENSING,<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>TASTE,<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>TENDRILS,<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>TIME,<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>TACTILE,<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>TELL ME !<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>TELL ME, CUNT !<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>CUNT !<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>SAY IT !<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>TELL ME, COME ON !<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>CUNT.<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>CUNT.<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>CUNT !<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>WHOO !<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>. LOVE THAT WORD<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>I CAN'T SAY IT ENOUGH.<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>I CAN'T STOP SAYING IT.<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>FEELING A LITTLE IRRITATED IN THE AIRPORT,<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>JUST SAY "CUNT", EVERYTHING CHANGES.<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>"WHAT DID YOU SAY ?"<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>I SAID, "CUNT, THAT'S RIGHT, CUNT, CUNT, CUNT, CUNT."<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>IT FEELS GOOD.<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>TRY IT, GO AHEAD, GO AHEAD.<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>CUNT.<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>CUNT.<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>CUNT.<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>CUNT.<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>. CUNT, CUNT<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>CUNT.<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>. CUNT, CUNT<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>CUNT !<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>( together ) CUNT, CUNT, CUNT... !<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>I'M A CUNT !<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>MY MOTHER'S GONNA SEE THIS, I CAN'T.<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>CUNT.<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>THIS IS BETTER THAN THERAPY.<o:p></o:p></pre><pre>TURNS THE DAY AROUND, I PROMISE YOU.</pre><pre></pre><pre><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Even thought i was directing this, and i really believed in the sentiment, i still had trouble with the word- the connotations were just too strong for me. i was not brought up like that. Ha.</span></pre><pre><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
</span></pre><pre><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Since starting TTWD my feelings about 'it' have transformed. BDSM or D/s or whatever you want to call it turns so many things on their heads. In the context of being submissive, derogatory terms like this suddenly are more potent BECAUSE they are derogatory. There's something about the taboo-ness in popular culture that seems to make them MORE appropriate. i guess it's the same as wearing a collar, or being made to crawl - the connotations in other contexts are bad, are negative, are full of loaded history but when it's used like this that history is used in a different way, for effect - the use of words is not really any different is it?</span></pre><pre><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Somehow it makes the relationship exchange more special, deeper, because we both know what we mean, that we've transmuted the connotations from the accepted norm. If we know what we mean, then what does it matter if others don't 'get it'? They're always welcome to ask (respectfully) of course, and if they don't respect our answer then who's problem really is that?</span></pre>D's shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09296899118092594320noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4324287462448063195.post-72795910455209219202010-03-24T20:29:00.000+00:002010-03-24T20:29:18.624+00:00When real life gets in the way... and it helps!<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Last night i cried. During/Right at the end of having sex. Gotta love the joys of stress, exhaustion and new hormonal contraception. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">i've had a truly terrible week this week on the vanila front- but i think it's actually been a very good thing for TTWD. D has really picked up the reins and i feel like there's a more permanent base line to my submission. Would be nice if we can get through all the stress and difficulty to add some fun ontop of that base line now.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>'this too shall pass'</i></span>D's shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09296899118092594320noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4324287462448063195.post-46374678769019821622010-03-23T09:20:00.002+00:002010-03-23T09:20:53.270+00:00subdue me<i>from my private diary today...</i><br />
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<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">i want to be 'broken' - i want Him to subjugate me to His will- to bring out my gentleness, my femininity, my beauty. </span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">i feel horrible when i behave like that-so aggressive and provocative- i just can't stop myself. it's like my body's taken over and is crying out for Him to break down my barriers and allow my submissiveness to blossom and glow.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">i wish my body knew a better/ nicer way of doing this.</span></div>D's shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09296899118092594320noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4324287462448063195.post-80148137128823548012010-03-22T10:01:00.000+00:002010-03-22T10:01:34.613+00:00owned<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #d5a6bd;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #274e13;">D had to work late last night. i never manage to properly sleep when He's out so was dozing in bed when i heard Him come in. As i heard Him moving around downstairs and thought i heard the tv i relaxed enough to try to sleep. The next thing i knew He was in the room and i lifted my very heavy eyelids to see Him undressing and reaching down to the 'toybag' we keep under the bed. Before i could really register what was happening, He whipped the cover off me, ordered me onto my front and began to coat my ass in lube. He had difficulty at first and commented (with surprise i think) at how tight i was - i suspect i may be nearing the limit of how long i can distract Him from the plug idea - eek. </span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #d5a6bd;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #274e13;">While He was preparing me i really didn't want it: i was soo tired and sleepy and ached all over from over doing it with the gardening but as He entered me i suddenly was so hungry for Hiim and it felt good- i mean really good like i've not experienced before with anal and when He reached round to play with my clit and whispered that He felt like He was raping me i was in ecstasy. </span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #d5a6bd;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #274e13;"> You know the thing that's most stuck in my head though? He redressed me afterwards as i lay in my stupor- i honestly am not sure when He last did that, if ever- it made me feel so cared for!</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #d5a6bd;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #274e13;">i love being His!</span></span></span>D's shttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09296899118092594320noreply@blogger.com1