the times they are a changing

Things have been crazy busy for us. i have been manically finishing the course in order to be qualified for the job i start in Sept. so D has been starting the transition to being s SAHD (stay at home Dad). It's weird, we've been so busy and stressed and tired that D/s has taken a back seat to put it mildly.
Probably because it was a new thing for us it just hasn't really held- is currently only visible in our sex life and even then it's no where near what it was- there'd definitely been no 'sceneing'..
i think i'm write in saying this isn't really what either of us want but there's so much to deal with right now and it just isn't at the top of the list. i am finding that i was starting to get used to the security that my submission (or D's dominance?) was offering me and i am really missing that particularly in the way things are quite unstable. i definintely think my behaviour (by which i mostly mean the way i behave toward D) has slipped- i'm not consciously challenging Him but with hindsight it certainly looks that way. i feel that our change of circumstances makes me need a firmer hand at home- i need to be able to let go into a secure 'framework' but so far the reality is making it very difficult to find the time to for either of us to work at this.
i don't really know how to start.

An adjustment

The full orgasm denial just wasn't really working for us for various reasons. 

We're experimenting with a new thing:
Over breakfast we talk about what we've got on for our days, how busy we are etc.
At some time before He leaves for work, D then gives me a number which indicated how many times He wants me to orgasm for Him before He gets home. 
So if He wants me horny and gagging for it it's likely to be a big fat zero, quite often though it's one or two and He hasn't yet but i guess He could choose some ridiculously high number.


It makes so much difference to feel like i really am doing it for Him. i think it's  helping us get more in tune with each other too.


My number today? 2

Developments

Apologies for my tardiness in posting- things have been pretty hectic for us recently and with no immediate signs of changing. Our big news is that i got the job i went for this week. So i now need to complete my course before i'm due to start in Sept and then i will be the one going out to work while D stays at home with the kids (most of the time- He's still going to do some part time work).

So this is going to be a massive change for us and we've not even begun to process what it will mean for TTWD. We'll get there i'm sure but it all seems a bit overwhelming right now.

In other news... D is rewarding me for my interview success with a Hitach Magic Wand *jumps for joy*! ... am i going to come to regret this?

the need for discipline

D is very reluctant about the idea of any real sort of discipline or correction or punishment or whatever you want to call it.
i feel like it's something i need to truly feel 'submitted' - like the fact of consequences actually make me feel more safe in being owned/controlled. i'm really struggling to explain myself properly to D though and He seems to interpret what i'm saying as asking for the actual punishment which is most definitely not what i mean. 


i'm wondering if anyone could help out with an explanation of why they feel they need this in their dynamic (to those of you who do)? Dom and sub views would be most welcome.


Please comment below and/or put up your own post on the topic - Thanks!!

Lock Down.

as D mentioned in His post, we had a fall out yesterday morning. For me it came out of the blue, literally: i woke up to it. 


i don't believe in putting emotions on hold and (probably because i don't believe in it) i'm not very good at it. Throughout our relationship i've always been the one that's pushed to keep the lines of communication open, that's insisted on not going to bed on an argument, even when it's been difficult and D has been furious about it.


Yesterday He pretty much enforced the 'putting on hold', just wouldn't discuss it. And something in me seemed to just snap. i feel completely shut down. Cold. It's not good and kind of scary. i'm feeling very far away from D right now. i actually feel like it's made me feel slightly manic - i've got this very strong urge to just sack off all responsibility-take the kids somewhere exciting- who cares about dinner? Is this because i'm not feeling safe? i think it might be. 


Recently, D's seemed a lot more comfortably in control and i think we'd moved on a few steps (at HIs pace). i  have been feeling more 'submitted' and thus more vulnerable i guess, it's also seemed to bring out some pain slut tendencies. i think maybe it's scary for D? 


When He treats me the way He did yesterday though, that exposed trust feels like a very fragile thing. Unfortunately i think it's led to Fort Knox reinstating itself.

a very hard post to write

Things have been a bit crazy this week for me. i've stared at this page quite a few times but just can't seem to get the words together. 
Some quite small thing happened between us. It led to me feeling like i'd misplaced my trust. 


Suddenly  i was overwhelmed with (i guess previously repressed) insecurities. It seems i have deep seated concerned that i just don't matter enough to D. There's all this worry and i'm not totally sure where's it's really come from but it's leaving me immensely vulnerable. It's a scary place to be. 


i think maybe at first D didn't realise what was happening- i've never ever reacted quite like this before. He tried to deal with me by pushing forward. He used ropes and while He was tying me i started to feel safer, but as soon as He moved away from me (we've played before with kinda fake abandonment and i've found it v hot) this time i just started panicking. i mean really panicking. i managed to hold on enough to try and warn Him "yellow" but i couldn't explain and i think He thought i was just trying to top. So of course i reached "red" and pretty much lost it.  Part of my head knew i was being irrational- he was really less than two feet away from me for goodness sake but i just couldn't make that part take over and the rest of me was just like that girl in the car in Jurrasic Park
|"He left us, He left us" - and yes, for those of you jumping to that conclusion, i suspect this is related to childhood trauma. 
Turns out i have major abandomnment/ neglect issues and after years of repression they're suddenly very real and very raw. 


We've moved forward since then- really moved forward. But i'm still pretty damn overwhelmed. i feel so ...scared, basically. We've been together nearly 8 years and i'm still not confident that i matter to Him much, that i come particularly high in His thoughts or priorities. Silly huh? Fears deep seated enough to give me panic attacks as they rise to the surface.


This rawness is scary, but i feel an awareness of it deepening my submission. D has taken a new level of ownership maybe- and He's helping me through.

BDSM nudge nudge wink wink

We have a new game.

In a pet store.
Me: ooh look love that's a nice leash
Him: hmm yes I noticed that, nice dog bowl too.
Me: *eyes widen* thinks:  He wouldn't... would He?

Walking past a clothing store.
Me: you need a new belt don't You love?
Him: yes, I like that one with the metal studs
Me: *gulp*

In a kitchen store.
Me: This wooden spoon looks um useful
Him: I think we need a slotted spatula more.

You may have noticed by now that i am a complete and utter, foolish glutton for punishment.

Thank you so much to everyone who pitched in on the punishment issue. We've talked a lot over the last few days and i will write a proper response after the weekend but right now we're packing to go away for the weekend.
Happy Bank Holiday!

A Question

i have a question and would be really keen to hear what you have to say.


As you may have read before, D has restricted my ability to touch myself and give myself orgasm. i may not do this without permission. Also, on days that i can't wear my smart balls in the afternoon i am supposed to touch myself without reaching orgasm.


There's is a fair amount of tension between us about this for a couple of reasons. One is that i have failed a couple of time (please don't be mean, i'm new at this) and felt a fair amount of time feeling disappointed in myself for letting D down and guilty about  it but then D appeared to not be bothered and i haven't really received any correction (in the spirit of honesty He has talked about it when spanking me but only after i'd talked to Him about this). We are both in agreement that corporal  punishment is unlikely to work (at least right now) so i guess my question is if you are a sub then how does your Master react to this type of failure and if you are a Dom then how would you react- what am i doing wrong?


The other issue is that this restriction has totally ramped up my sex drive. i seem to be in a fairly constant state of subbie desire and i'm (again in the spirit of honesty, i don't like this about myself) feeling resentful that He's not taking any advantage of having me in this state so it kind of feels like the rule is hard to stick to under these circumstances. So here i guess my question is, if you are a sub then does this affect you the same way and does your Master make the most of it? and if you are a Dom then why do/would you use this restriction and how/would you take advantage of it?


Would be very interested to hear your opinions so please please comment!

a novel way to end an argument

Big Silly Row That Wasn't TM.
   Well it wasn't a row exactly. There wasn't something we were specifically disagreeing about. More like an overflow of emotions and insecurity and stress from both of us. Pushing each other's buttons. 


Getting through to the other side left us both drained and exhausted. But somehow we were talking, really talkling, finally breaking through from generalities to helpful specifics. We talked about the issues D has had around play. What he explained was, quite honestly, a pleasant surprise. i think i'd jumped to conclusions that His hesitance or reluctance was to do with making himself do something just because i wanted it. Last night He explained that actually it's that He's not yet feeling 'dominance' as part of our sex life. He's feeling 'kinkiness' and my submission, but my understanding of what He explained is that for Him  a large part of feeling this dominance is to do with being more focussed on me (as sub?) when we play and i think being more forward thinking - like in terms of my training and His development? i'm sorry if i'm not explaining this well, i'm trying to clarify my understanding of His thoughts - ooh i hope this won't get me in trouble.


My initial reaction, which may be bad, was a sense of relief. This is something we can work on together, this is not what i'd feared because if He it was the case that He just wasn't into it then that would have been the end of that really. This though is something we can look for solutions for and keep moving slowly forward. This also makes me feel so cared for by Him. He was seeing it as a crisis of confidence but i think it may actually be the most Domly thing He's said to date.  
i think He's found my enthusiasm a little intimidating also. i do have a tendency to take an idea and run with it and i like talking about things... a lot. 
i tried to explain that the biggest turn on for me is His desire. When He mentions something, i become super focussed on it- quite often with a mix of fascination and fear or intimidation. i used the example of how a couple of weeks ago, while we were having sex, He'd told me He was at some point going to fist me. The way He'd described it had made me feel INCREDIBLY submissive, all squirmy and wriggly and little, at the time and had firmly lodged itself in my mind and has been something i've kept coming back to. It's not something i would have become particularly focused on of my own accord though. 
When i explained this, D reacted in two ways that at first seemed to oppose each other. As His hands moving inside my pyjama trousers, He told me how intimidating He found it, that He knew nothing about these things we've discussed, He found the responsibility scary because He knew nothing about how to do them safely.
Squirming under His touch, i pointed out that i knew just as little but we always Had 'Mr Google' on hand. As His fingers began to dip inside me He created an amusing image of stopping mid-coitus to check online how to insert a buttplug. 
Starting to become breathless, i endeavoured to show Him that we already know enough to make first endeavours safe so long as we go slow and keep checking in with each other. 
   "well i think in the case of both butt plugs and fisting a lot of lube is going to be necessary. i think i'd be grateful in both instances if you went very slowly and gently..ugh... i guess i need to be relaxed...umm [squirming more and more] ...ahh... if at first we don't succeed...ummm... i mean... it doesn't matter if it doesn't work first time does ittt..err?"


Suddenly (or so it seemed to me in my distracted state) He's reaching for the lube. i can feel His well oiled fingers gently stretching me, testing my skin, pushing and retracting, at first i'm feeling calm, calm enough to explain that i need Him to keep talking, to relax me into it. As He starts to push further i can feel myself starting to feel a bit panicky, my daughter is only 1 and the feeling was disturbingly familiar whilst at the same very different. 
He stopped where He was, He calmed me, He showed me He wasn't going to give up just because it was hard for me. When i was calmer He began to move His hand again. i felt so exposed, so vulnerable, so submissive. i think around this time i began to lose the power of speech. The feeling of Him in me like that was extremely intense, maybe especially after the emotional turmoil of the evening. He told me how much He liked it, it felt amazing to hear that without having to ask, because i wouldn't have been able to ask anyway.
He began to play with my clit too, at first it was wonderful, it helped me relax and just feel. 
and then, suddenly, it was too much. i still couldn't talk but thankfully D seemed to just know, He slowly moved out while He kept up the pressure on my clit. i came almost immediately, i felt totally overwhelmed and consumed. 

my blog as a word cloud

  I discovered the Wordle site on His rose's blog so thank you!

training-ish

so i'm really struggling with the rules about masturbation and orgasms. i think there's a lot of things contributing to this. i've tried to compile a list to help me understand:

•  i suffer from insommnia (at times chronic) and i have often used masturbation as a way of relaxing myself.
• i have a high sex drive and i think that masturbating kinda helped me control this as since it's been restricted i'm feeling a lot more sexual frustration.
• D's sex drive is (certainly in current practical terms) quite a bit lower than mine.
• things are particularly stressful at the moment so i guess maybe i'm feeling the need for release more.
• the times when i have failed and broken rules D doesn't really seem bothered - He's certainly not really done anything more than laugh at me.- this is true for touching myself without permission and cumming without permission both on my own and during sex/play.

so last night i was trying to be good and not touch myself in bed, we were both extremely tired but i just couldn't get to sleep and was finding it frustrating. D decided to try something new and had me loosely hold Him while He rested His hand over my mound and clit. 

Immediately i was on fire and desperate. He persisted, He told me i needed to learn to break the habit. i argued that breaking the habit was one thing but making it even harder for me to sleep was another. He stuck to His guns though and insisted that i would have to get used to it as He would do it every night this week.

i managed to bite my tongue and try to accept but the crazy pent up energy was still there so i was lying there trying to keep quiet whilst squirming and fidgeting to try to find a way to release a bit of the energy and be able to sleep.

He kept me like this for half an hour, He comforted me when i was nearly in tears, 

and then He made me cum and wouldn't let me stop...

already today though i feel out of control with it again *sigh* i wish i was better at it. 

Roles and Roles

There are some potentially big changes on the horizon in our everyday lives that would involve a massive shift in the way we  work. Put simply, it's become a possibility that i might become the 'breadwinner' for a time. Whilst i've always been the one with the clear ideas if the career i want, it's leaving me feeling confused and concerned about how it will affect our dynamic. Especially given it's relative newness. 
i'm having difficulty visualising coming home from work to D putting dinner on the table and still being able to feel like He's in control. But i KNOW that this is what i need now, and i suspect that work stresses will only make me need it more. 
Maybe D getting a bit more headspace will prove to be positive though, ..


It may not happen anyway. This is a confusing and stressful  time for us - D seems in a good place though and yesterday mentioned His intention to use TTWD to help us through- that feels like massive progress.

Brought in line

 i received my first 'real' punishment. i've been massively sleep deprived and not dealing well with things recently and i let it all come out at D focused on the frustration i've been feeling about not feeling much input from Him with TTWD.  To be honest i was pretty horrible and then i went off in a strop and fell asleep. 

After the children were in bed D spoke to me about my behaviour in a way He's not done before (thankfully i had the good sense not to try and argue back like i might have done in the past)  - it felt like a lecture and i quickly found myself feeling pretty humbled. He set me clear 'this is not acceptable-s' and expectations. 

The planned scenes for Sunday nights are now cancelled. This type of play will now only happen if i earn it and even then it depends on when D decides. i suspect this is going to be a very effective motivator for me, especially as my sex drive has always seemed higher than his. Oh and also He says there will def be no play until i've caught up on the ironing- drat, i've really been caught out on that one!

Bizarrely- even thinking about thiss makes me feel so much more ... secure. i feel like He really notices me and what i do. 

Cared for.

oh i nearly forgot to say... my punishment was that i was not allowed to touch Him in bed - even to cuddle. It was horrible, especially knowing that it left me unable to meet His needs. i think the very existence of the need for punishment, the guilt and the lectyre, was worse though. At least carrying out the punishment felt like an act of penitence so that i can be forward looking again.

openness is next to godliness

The communication thing is ON! We are doing great at keeping things open between us right now. i even managed to not get stroppy when He decided He just wanted to veg in front of the TV rather than spank me last night! The way He talked to me so i knew exactly where He was at just felt so different to anything that's happened before- i was able to understand that it wasn't because He wasn't interested, or anything i'd done. He was just tired.


God i hope we can keep it like this!