Well it wasn't a row exactly. There wasn't something we were specifically disagreeing about. More like an overflow of emotions and insecurity and stress from both of us. Pushing each other's buttons.
Getting through to the other side left us both drained and exhausted. But somehow we were talking, really talkling, finally breaking through from generalities to helpful specifics. We talked about the issues D has had around play. What he explained was, quite honestly, a pleasant surprise. i think i'd jumped to conclusions that His hesitance or reluctance was to do with making himself do something just because i wanted it. Last night He explained that actually it's that He's not yet feeling 'dominance' as part of our sex life. He's feeling 'kinkiness' and my submission, but my understanding of what He explained is that for Him a large part of feeling this dominance is to do with being more focussed on me (as sub?) when we play and i think being more forward thinking - like in terms of my training and His development? i'm sorry if i'm not explaining this well, i'm trying to clarify my understanding of His thoughts - ooh i hope this won't get me in trouble.
My initial reaction, which may be bad, was a sense of relief. This is something we can work on together, this is not what i'd feared because if He it was the case that He just wasn't into it then that would have been the end of that really. This though is something we can look for solutions for and keep moving slowly forward. This also makes me feel so cared for by Him. He was seeing it as a crisis of confidence but i think it may actually be the most Domly thing He's said to date.
i think He's found my enthusiasm a little intimidating also. i do have a tendency to take an idea and run with it and i like talking about things... a lot.
i tried to explain that the biggest turn on for me is His desire. When He mentions something, i become super focussed on it- quite often with a mix of fascination and fear or intimidation. i used the example of how a couple of weeks ago, while we were having sex, He'd told me He was at some point going to fist me. The way He'd described it had made me feel INCREDIBLY submissive, all squirmy and wriggly and little, at the time and had firmly lodged itself in my mind and has been something i've kept coming back to. It's not something i would have become particularly focused on of my own accord though.
When i explained this, D reacted in two ways that at first seemed to oppose each other. As His hands moving inside my pyjama trousers, He told me how intimidating He found it, that He knew nothing about these things we've discussed, He found the responsibility scary because He knew nothing about how to do them safely.
Squirming under His touch, i pointed out that i knew just as little but we always Had 'Mr Google' on hand. As His fingers began to dip inside me He created an amusing image of stopping mid-coitus to check online how to insert a buttplug.
Starting to become breathless, i endeavoured to show Him that we already know enough to make first endeavours safe so long as we go slow and keep checking in with each other.
"well i think in the case of both butt plugs and fisting a lot of lube is going to be necessary. i think i'd be grateful in both instances if you went very slowly and gently..ugh... i guess i need to be relaxed...umm [squirming more and more] ...ahh... if at first we don't succeed...ummm... i mean... it doesn't matter if it doesn't work first time does ittt..err?"
Suddenly (or so it seemed to me in my distracted state) He's reaching for the lube. i can feel His well oiled fingers gently stretching me, testing my skin, pushing and retracting, at first i'm feeling calm, calm enough to explain that i need Him to keep talking, to relax me into it. As He starts to push further i can feel myself starting to feel a bit panicky, my daughter is only 1 and the feeling was disturbingly familiar whilst at the same very different.
He stopped where He was, He calmed me, He showed me He wasn't going to give up just because it was hard for me. When i was calmer He began to move His hand again. i felt so exposed, so vulnerable, so submissive. i think around this time i began to lose the power of speech. The feeling of Him in me like that was extremely intense, maybe especially after the emotional turmoil of the evening. He told me how much He liked it, it felt amazing to hear that without having to ask, because i wouldn't have been able to ask anyway.
He began to play with my clit too, at first it was wonderful, it helped me relax and just feel.
and then, suddenly, it was too much. i still couldn't talk but thankfully D seemed to just know, He slowly moved out while He kept up the pressure on my clit. i came almost immediately, i felt totally overwhelmed and consumed.
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