the times they are a changing

Things have been crazy busy for us. i have been manically finishing the course in order to be qualified for the job i start in Sept. so D has been starting the transition to being s SAHD (stay at home Dad). It's weird, we've been so busy and stressed and tired that D/s has taken a back seat to put it mildly.
Probably because it was a new thing for us it just hasn't really held- is currently only visible in our sex life and even then it's no where near what it was- there'd definitely been no 'sceneing'..
i think i'm write in saying this isn't really what either of us want but there's so much to deal with right now and it just isn't at the top of the list. i am finding that i was starting to get used to the security that my submission (or D's dominance?) was offering me and i am really missing that particularly in the way things are quite unstable. i definintely think my behaviour (by which i mostly mean the way i behave toward D) has slipped- i'm not consciously challenging Him but with hindsight it certainly looks that way. i feel that our change of circumstances makes me need a firmer hand at home- i need to be able to let go into a secure 'framework' but so far the reality is making it very difficult to find the time to for either of us to work at this.
i don't really know how to start.

An adjustment

The full orgasm denial just wasn't really working for us for various reasons. 

We're experimenting with a new thing:
Over breakfast we talk about what we've got on for our days, how busy we are etc.
At some time before He leaves for work, D then gives me a number which indicated how many times He wants me to orgasm for Him before He gets home. 
So if He wants me horny and gagging for it it's likely to be a big fat zero, quite often though it's one or two and He hasn't yet but i guess He could choose some ridiculously high number.


It makes so much difference to feel like i really am doing it for Him. i think it's  helping us get more in tune with each other too.


My number today? 2

Developments

Apologies for my tardiness in posting- things have been pretty hectic for us recently and with no immediate signs of changing. Our big news is that i got the job i went for this week. So i now need to complete my course before i'm due to start in Sept and then i will be the one going out to work while D stays at home with the kids (most of the time- He's still going to do some part time work).

So this is going to be a massive change for us and we've not even begun to process what it will mean for TTWD. We'll get there i'm sure but it all seems a bit overwhelming right now.

In other news... D is rewarding me for my interview success with a Hitach Magic Wand *jumps for joy*! ... am i going to come to regret this?

Lock Down.

as D mentioned in His post, we had a fall out yesterday morning. For me it came out of the blue, literally: i woke up to it. 


i don't believe in putting emotions on hold and (probably because i don't believe in it) i'm not very good at it. Throughout our relationship i've always been the one that's pushed to keep the lines of communication open, that's insisted on not going to bed on an argument, even when it's been difficult and D has been furious about it.


Yesterday He pretty much enforced the 'putting on hold', just wouldn't discuss it. And something in me seemed to just snap. i feel completely shut down. Cold. It's not good and kind of scary. i'm feeling very far away from D right now. i actually feel like it's made me feel slightly manic - i've got this very strong urge to just sack off all responsibility-take the kids somewhere exciting- who cares about dinner? Is this because i'm not feeling safe? i think it might be. 


Recently, D's seemed a lot more comfortably in control and i think we'd moved on a few steps (at HIs pace). i  have been feeling more 'submitted' and thus more vulnerable i guess, it's also seemed to bring out some pain slut tendencies. i think maybe it's scary for D? 


When He treats me the way He did yesterday though, that exposed trust feels like a very fragile thing. Unfortunately i think it's led to Fort Knox reinstating itself.

Roles and Roles

There are some potentially big changes on the horizon in our everyday lives that would involve a massive shift in the way we  work. Put simply, it's become a possibility that i might become the 'breadwinner' for a time. Whilst i've always been the one with the clear ideas if the career i want, it's leaving me feeling confused and concerned about how it will affect our dynamic. Especially given it's relative newness. 
i'm having difficulty visualising coming home from work to D putting dinner on the table and still being able to feel like He's in control. But i KNOW that this is what i need now, and i suspect that work stresses will only make me need it more. 
Maybe D getting a bit more headspace will prove to be positive though, ..


It may not happen anyway. This is a confusing and stressful  time for us - D seems in a good place though and yesterday mentioned His intention to use TTWD to help us through- that feels like massive progress.

openness is next to godliness

The communication thing is ON! We are doing great at keeping things open between us right now. i even managed to not get stroppy when He decided He just wanted to veg in front of the TV rather than spank me last night! The way He talked to me so i knew exactly where He was at just felt so different to anything that's happened before- i was able to understand that it wasn't because He wasn't interested, or anything i'd done. He was just tired.


God i hope we can keep it like this!

New Beginnings

Firstly, i'd like to introduce Sir D's blog - i'd like to be able to take credit for persuading Him but i'm fairly sure that He doesn't do anything just because i say so -hee hee. Anyways, i hope you can find time to pop over and say hi!


We've had a great beginning to our 'fresh start' this weekend. We're both working harder at fitting things in to our 24/7 lives. On Sat we took the kids out for a daytrip. We held hands a lot, D gave occasional tugs to my hair, i drew His attention to a display of knee high socks with a cheeky grin on my face, He wiped it off by drawing my attention to a display of leather belts *gulp*


It feels fun again. 
Can't wait for Him to get Home- my thoughts are very focused on my Sir while He's at work today.

construction work

Recently real life has bitten in the backside in several ways. i think, because the cement of our D/s (or whatever you call it) foundations was still wet, it had kinda knocked the whole structure out of whack. Big chunks of the building started to fall down as the scaffolding fell away. 


Over the last three days we've managed to extend our contract and look at redigning the basic architectural design. We've had to remove some more parts of the building in order to re-align the foundations, but hopefully the new design will not be so easily knocked.


Some key elements of the new design: 
D recognises a need to be firmer with me.
i see that physical punishments are unlikely to work for us, particularly to begin with - we've discussed some alternatives.
D intends to commit to remaining open and not shut off from me.
i know that i must improve my attitude and remain respectful even when i feel D is not sticking to something - ie i must commit in the same way.
i have suggested the idea of finding a mentor for D, He has asked me to set up a blog for Him as i kind of first step to this - so watch this space.
we are both going to focus on regaining the fun and experimentation element as a priority - so i think we're very open to ideas and suggestions :)




The whole experience has been very draining but i do think we're in a better, more stable place than we were before. i am closer to really believing that D wants this just as much as i do - i am truly experiencing His commitment, His ownership and i hope we can keep it more consistent now.

gah!

Sitting here alone. D has gone to bed in what basically amounts to a strop. i don't know what's wrong, i don't know why He's shut me out AGAIN but He has.
i'm feeling angry and betrayed. We talk and talk and talk about the ways we want to change things. About How we both want to use D/s to improve our communication as a key benefit. 


But when it comes down to it. When He's not happy about something. He still shuts me out. i can honestly say right now that i'd rather take any sort of punishment than this. Even if He told me that my punishment was not getting His attention- that would still feel different and at least i'd know WHY!!!!!!!!!




eek! sorry for the vent--- have been holding alot in this evening!

When real life gets in the way... and it helps!

Last night i cried. During/Right at the end of having sex. Gotta love the joys of stress, exhaustion and new hormonal contraception. 
i've had a truly terrible week this week on the vanila front- but i think it's actually been a very good thing for TTWD. D has really picked up the reins and i feel like there's a more permanent base line to my submission. Would be nice if we can get through all the stress and difficulty to add some fun ontop of that base line now.


'this too shall pass'

maintenance

We've discussed the issues we both were feeling about the effect of scheduled maintenance and scenes but D has decided that we're going to keep it like that. i think He's right because our lives are so busy at the mo that it would probably fall to the wayside otherwise. We're both going to try to be more focused the rest of the time and allow for more spontaneity. D is helping me learn that He doesn't have to be 'fair' or 'nice' or give me warning and i love it- it is really helping me feel more 'submitted'.


Maintenance meeting tonight though and i don't think i've been a very good girl this week- eek!

all jumbled up

i've had to change contraception method recently and am currently in that delightful 'haywire hormones' phase as my body adjusts. It's making me feel things much more extremely i think and i had a really bad day with it yesterday. The issue that i've probably blown out of proportion is that even though we're definitely getting things back on track now it still feels like the D/s basically consists of a scheduled spanking on a friday, a scheduled scene on a sunday and the rest of the time we're completely vanilla in our interactions but i try (and often fail) to adhere to rules that D is actually not all that bothered about and wait on Him. i'm putting it a little baldly but this is  how it's felt - like all the little touches of dominance or submission we'd been offering each other had disappeared along with any added spontaneity to the more kinky sex and spanking. Where were all the 'just because I can' moments?
Somehow though, this ended up being a positive. i was able to explain how i was feeling to D in a calm and reasonably self-aware manner that made Him comment that He actually felt far more inclined to help me out and hear my concerns than He remembered feeling before. 
We were able to have a really nice evening with a small amount of kink thrown in for good measure hee hee!