Friday, 28 May 2010

Developments

Apologies for my tardiness in posting- things have been pretty hectic for us recently and with no immediate signs of changing. Our big news is that i got the job i went for this week. So i now need to complete my course before i'm due to start in Sept and then i will be the one going out to work while D stays at home with the kids (most of the time- He's still going to do some part time work).

So this is going to be a massive change for us and we've not even begun to process what it will mean for TTWD. We'll get there i'm sure but it all seems a bit overwhelming right now.

In other news... D is rewarding me for my interview success with a Hitach Magic Wand *jumps for joy*! ... am i going to come to regret this?

Thursday, 20 May 2010

the need for discipline

D is very reluctant about the idea of any real sort of discipline or correction or punishment or whatever you want to call it.
i feel like it's something i need to truly feel 'submitted' - like the fact of consequences actually make me feel more safe in being owned/controlled. i'm really struggling to explain myself properly to D though and He seems to interpret what i'm saying as asking for the actual punishment which is most definitely not what i mean. 


i'm wondering if anyone could help out with an explanation of why they feel they need this in their dynamic (to those of you who do)? Dom and sub views would be most welcome.


Please comment below and/or put up your own post on the topic - Thanks!!

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

Lock Down.

as D mentioned in His post, we had a fall out yesterday morning. For me it came out of the blue, literally: i woke up to it. 


i don't believe in putting emotions on hold and (probably because i don't believe in it) i'm not very good at it. Throughout our relationship i've always been the one that's pushed to keep the lines of communication open, that's insisted on not going to bed on an argument, even when it's been difficult and D has been furious about it.


Yesterday He pretty much enforced the 'putting on hold', just wouldn't discuss it. And something in me seemed to just snap. i feel completely shut down. Cold. It's not good and kind of scary. i'm feeling very far away from D right now. i actually feel like it's made me feel slightly manic - i've got this very strong urge to just sack off all responsibility-take the kids somewhere exciting- who cares about dinner? Is this because i'm not feeling safe? i think it might be. 


Recently, D's seemed a lot more comfortably in control and i think we'd moved on a few steps (at HIs pace). i  have been feeling more 'submitted' and thus more vulnerable i guess, it's also seemed to bring out some pain slut tendencies. i think maybe it's scary for D? 


When He treats me the way He did yesterday though, that exposed trust feels like a very fragile thing. Unfortunately i think it's led to Fort Knox reinstating itself.

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

a very hard post to write

Things have been a bit crazy this week for me. i've stared at this page quite a few times but just can't seem to get the words together. 
Some quite small thing happened between us. It led to me feeling like i'd misplaced my trust. 


Suddenly  i was overwhelmed with (i guess previously repressed) insecurities. It seems i have deep seated concerned that i just don't matter enough to D. There's all this worry and i'm not totally sure where's it's really come from but it's leaving me immensely vulnerable. It's a scary place to be. 


i think maybe at first D didn't realise what was happening- i've never ever reacted quite like this before. He tried to deal with me by pushing forward. He used ropes and while He was tying me i started to feel safer, but as soon as He moved away from me (we've played before with kinda fake abandonment and i've found it v hot) this time i just started panicking. i mean really panicking. i managed to hold on enough to try and warn Him "yellow" but i couldn't explain and i think He thought i was just trying to top. So of course i reached "red" and pretty much lost it.  Part of my head knew i was being irrational- he was really less than two feet away from me for goodness sake but i just couldn't make that part take over and the rest of me was just like that girl in the car in Jurrasic Park
|"He left us, He left us" - and yes, for those of you jumping to that conclusion, i suspect this is related to childhood trauma. 
Turns out i have major abandomnment/ neglect issues and after years of repression they're suddenly very real and very raw. 


We've moved forward since then- really moved forward. But i'm still pretty damn overwhelmed. i feel so ...scared, basically. We've been together nearly 8 years and i'm still not confident that i matter to Him much, that i come particularly high in His thoughts or priorities. Silly huh? Fears deep seated enough to give me panic attacks as they rise to the surface.


This rawness is scary, but i feel an awareness of it deepening my submission. D has taken a new level of ownership maybe- and He's helping me through.

Tuesday, 4 May 2010

BDSM nudge nudge wink wink

We have a new game.

In a pet store.
Me: ooh look love that's a nice leash
Him: hmm yes I noticed that, nice dog bowl too.
Me: *eyes widen* thinks:  He wouldn't... would He?

Walking past a clothing store.
Me: you need a new belt don't You love?
Him: yes, I like that one with the metal studs
Me: *gulp*

In a kitchen store.
Me: This wooden spoon looks um useful
Him: I think we need a slotted spatula more.

You may have noticed by now that i am a complete and utter, foolish glutton for punishment.
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