Tuesday, 18 May 2010

Lock Down.

as D mentioned in His post, we had a fall out yesterday morning. For me it came out of the blue, literally: i woke up to it. 

i don't believe in putting emotions on hold and (probably because i don't believe in it) i'm not very good at it. Throughout our relationship i've always been the one that's pushed to keep the lines of communication open, that's insisted on not going to bed on an argument, even when it's been difficult and D has been furious about it.

Yesterday He pretty much enforced the 'putting on hold', just wouldn't discuss it. And something in me seemed to just snap. i feel completely shut down. Cold. It's not good and kind of scary. i'm feeling very far away from D right now. i actually feel like it's made me feel slightly manic - i've got this very strong urge to just sack off all responsibility-take the kids somewhere exciting- who cares about dinner? Is this because i'm not feeling safe? i think it might be. 

Recently, D's seemed a lot more comfortably in control and i think we'd moved on a few steps (at HIs pace). i  have been feeling more 'submitted' and thus more vulnerable i guess, it's also seemed to bring out some pain slut tendencies. i think maybe it's scary for D? 

When He treats me the way He did yesterday though, that exposed trust feels like a very fragile thing. Unfortunately i think it's led to Fort Knox reinstating itself.


  1. I am much the same way. I don't do well with swallowing emotions down to be dealt with later. That seems to be more often a man trait.

    For me, I try (note I said 'try') to look at like this. For years, we did it my way. If there was something to discuss or hash out, it happened on my time in my way, whether he liked it or not. Now we are working on shifting the tables around, and sometimes that means not discussing something on my time, but on his. Which incidentally, generally means when we are both more calm. Looking back on a situation, I can see where it was more productive to wait until we were both calm and had gathered our thoughts properly. But in the moment, oh man, does it get to me.

  2. Not sure but I think there is a rush of responsibility that hits them, just as our submission hits us. I think also sometimes it takes them a while to get a handle on what they are feeling again just like us. They shut down or with draw.

    Not feeling safe is a scary place to be and this is on both sides. It takes a lot of time to rebuild trust. Sometimes it just means we have to be patient, they have to be patient too. And not just patient with him but with yourself.

    Big Hugs,

  3. daisy: thanks- yes i'm really bad with emotional'denial' but we are approaching things in a similar way to you. The real problem this time was how long He then left things before dealing with them. We're getting there now though.

    mouse: i think you might be right about the rush of responsibility thing. We are slowly working on rebuilding the trust again now. It's tricky huh?