Wednesday, 12 May 2010

a very hard post to write

Things have been a bit crazy this week for me. i've stared at this page quite a few times but just can't seem to get the words together. 
Some quite small thing happened between us. It led to me feeling like i'd misplaced my trust. 

Suddenly  i was overwhelmed with (i guess previously repressed) insecurities. It seems i have deep seated concerned that i just don't matter enough to D. There's all this worry and i'm not totally sure where's it's really come from but it's leaving me immensely vulnerable. It's a scary place to be. 

i think maybe at first D didn't realise what was happening- i've never ever reacted quite like this before. He tried to deal with me by pushing forward. He used ropes and while He was tying me i started to feel safer, but as soon as He moved away from me (we've played before with kinda fake abandonment and i've found it v hot) this time i just started panicking. i mean really panicking. i managed to hold on enough to try and warn Him "yellow" but i couldn't explain and i think He thought i was just trying to top. So of course i reached "red" and pretty much lost it.  Part of my head knew i was being irrational- he was really less than two feet away from me for goodness sake but i just couldn't make that part take over and the rest of me was just like that girl in the car in Jurrasic Park
|"He left us, He left us" - and yes, for those of you jumping to that conclusion, i suspect this is related to childhood trauma. 
Turns out i have major abandomnment/ neglect issues and after years of repression they're suddenly very real and very raw. 

We've moved forward since then- really moved forward. But i'm still pretty damn overwhelmed. i feel so ...scared, basically. We've been together nearly 8 years and i'm still not confident that i matter to Him much, that i come particularly high in His thoughts or priorities. Silly huh? Fears deep seated enough to give me panic attacks as they rise to the surface.

This rawness is scary, but i feel an awareness of it deepening my submission. D has taken a new level of ownership maybe- and He's helping me through.


  1. I think we all find out where our buttons are through this journey -- and some of them do surprise us

    You guys just have to keep commuicating - and sometimes the right answer is to back up a smidge.

    (I've read his blog -- I'm pretty sure he adores you -- but you feel how you feel)



  2. It's perfectly normal to feel that way with childhood traumas rising to the surface. Seriously... I was like that too... always on the verge of a panic attack. The best thing you can do is journal about your feelings and keep talking about it. The more you talk about it the easier it will be to take and the faster you'll be able to work through it.

    If it gets too overwhelming, though, maybe you should consider counselling. Couldn't hurt.



  3. sfp: Yes, most of me understands that it's not really a true depiction of how He feels. Also, i think most of me recognises that this kind of self-discovery can ultimately be a good thing, especially with the kind of support D gives me.

    most is the key word though i guess.

    turiya: you are v right about the journalling, i've found it really hard to do this week but it's starting to help me now. We're definintely moving forward though.