losing the fight to win the war?

We've largely resolved the issues from the weekend. Communication is back up and running and D has expressed an understanding that i need to 'feel' His control, ie that He actually needs to act more on things we've discussed. Things are definitely improving.


i still seem to be FULL of attitude though. Everything He says i want to fight with - it's mostly coming out in a jokey, teasing kind of way but the sentiment is most definitely there to the extent that i'm finding it kind of shocking. i don't know what it is that's making me look for a fight. 


i suspect maybe it's linked with this need to actually 'feel it' from D - like i need to fight so i can lose? i feel like He puts up with a hell of a lot of attitude from me and i'm not exactly sure why- it's not making me respect Him, it's just making me dislike myself. Oh dear. At least i'm recognising it i guess, that has to be a first step.

gah!

Sitting here alone. D has gone to bed in what basically amounts to a strop. i don't know what's wrong, i don't know why He's shut me out AGAIN but He has.
i'm feeling angry and betrayed. We talk and talk and talk about the ways we want to change things. About How we both want to use D/s to improve our communication as a key benefit. 


But when it comes down to it. When He's not happy about something. He still shuts me out. i can honestly say right now that i'd rather take any sort of punishment than this. Even if He told me that my punishment was not getting His attention- that would still feel different and at least i'd know WHY!!!!!!!!!




eek! sorry for the vent--- have been holding alot in this evening!

Terminology

When i was at university, i directed the first edition of The Vagina Monologues that had happened there (remember i'm in the prudish UK hee hee). It was a truly wonderful experience but there was one bit i, to be honest, always had trouble with - here it is

HOWEVER, SHE ALSO TOLD ME IN THE COURSE OF OUR CONVERSATION

THAT I HAD SAI D SOMETHING NEGATIVE

ABOUT A PARTICULAR WORD.

A PEJORATIVE WORD,

A WORD THAT'S BEEN USE D TO DECLAIM THE VAGINA,

AND SHE NEEDED TO HELP ME RECONCEIVE THIS WORD.

SO, FOR THE NEXT HOUR,

SHE TALKED TO ME ABOUT THIS WORD,

AND WHEN SHE WAS DONE,

I WAS A CONVERT.

. I WROTE THIS FOR HER..

I CALL IT...

CUNT.

I'VE RECLAIMED IT.

CUNT.

I REALLY LIKE IT.

CUNT,

JUST LISTEN TO IT, LISTEN TO IT.

CUNT.

CA...

CA...

CAVERN,

CACKLE, CLIT, CUTE, COME-CLOSED C,

CLOSED INSIDE, INSIDE CA...

CA...

THEN U...

THEN CU...

THEN CURVY, INVITING SHARKSKIN, U...

UNIFORM,

UNDER,

UP,

URGE,

OOH, OOH, U...

. THEN N, THEN CUN..

CUN...

SNUG LETTERS FITTING PERFECTLY TOGETHER.

N...

NEST, NOW,

NEXUS, NICE,

ALWAYS DEPTH, ALWAYS ROUND IN UPPERCASE,

CUN, CUN... !

A JAGGED WICKE D ELECTRICAL PULSE.

N..., N...

THEN SOFT N, WARM N...

CUN, CUN.

THEN T, THEN T...

THEN SHARP CERTAIN TANGY T...

TEXTURE, TAKE,

TIGHT, TENT,

TANTALIZING,

TENSING,

TASTE,

TENDRILS,

TIME,

TACTILE,

TELL ME !

TELL ME, CUNT !

CUNT !

SAY IT !

TELL ME, COME ON !

CUNT.

CUNT.

CUNT !

WHOO !

. LOVE THAT WORD

I CAN'T SAY IT ENOUGH.

I CAN'T STOP SAYING IT.

FEELING A LITTLE IRRITATED IN THE AIRPORT,

JUST SAY "CUNT", EVERYTHING CHANGES.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY ?"

I SAID, "CUNT, THAT'S RIGHT, CUNT, CUNT, CUNT, CUNT."

IT FEELS GOOD.

TRY IT, GO AHEAD, GO AHEAD.

CUNT.

CUNT.

CUNT.

CUNT.

. CUNT, CUNT

CUNT.

. CUNT, CUNT

CUNT !

( together ) CUNT, CUNT, CUNT... !

I'M A CUNT !

MY MOTHER'S GONNA SEE THIS, I CAN'T.

CUNT.

THIS IS BETTER THAN THERAPY.

TURNS THE DAY AROUND, I PROMISE YOU.

Even thought i was directing this, and i really believed in the sentiment, i still had trouble with the word- the connotations were just too strong for me. i was not brought up like that. Ha.

Since starting TTWD my feelings about 'it' have transformed. BDSM or D/s or whatever you want to call it turns so many things on their heads. In the context of being submissive, derogatory terms like this suddenly are more potent BECAUSE they are derogatory. There's something about the taboo-ness in popular culture that seems to make them MORE appropriate. i guess it's the same as wearing a collar, or being made to crawl - the connotations in other contexts are bad, are negative, are full of loaded history but when it's used like this that history is used in a different way, for effect - the use of words is not really any different is it?

Somehow it makes the relationship exchange more special, deeper, because we both know what we mean, that we've transmuted the connotations from the accepted norm. If we know what we mean, then what does it matter if others don't 'get it'? They're always welcome to ask (respectfully) of course, and if they don't respect our answer then who's problem really is that?

When real life gets in the way... and it helps!

Last night i cried. During/Right at the end of having sex. Gotta love the joys of stress, exhaustion and new hormonal contraception. 
i've had a truly terrible week this week on the vanila front- but i think it's actually been a very good thing for TTWD. D has really picked up the reins and i feel like there's a more permanent base line to my submission. Would be nice if we can get through all the stress and difficulty to add some fun ontop of that base line now.


'this too shall pass'

subdue me

from my private diary today...

i want to be 'broken' - i want Him to subjugate me  to His will- to bring out my gentleness, my femininity, my beauty. 

i feel horrible when i behave like that-so aggressive and provocative- i just can't stop myself.  it's like my body's taken over and is crying out for Him to break down my barriers and allow my submissiveness to blossom and glow.

i wish my body knew a better/ nicer way of doing this.

owned

D had to work late last night. i never manage to properly sleep when He's out so was dozing in bed when i heard Him come in. As i heard Him moving around downstairs and thought i heard the tv i relaxed enough to try to sleep. The next thing i knew He was in the room and i lifted my very heavy eyelids to see Him undressing and reaching down to the 'toybag' we keep under the bed. Before i could really register what was happening, He whipped the cover off me, ordered me onto my front and began to coat my ass in lube. He had difficulty at first and commented (with surprise i think) at how tight i was - i suspect i may be nearing the limit of how long i can distract Him from the plug idea - eek. 
While He was preparing me i really didn't want it: i was soo tired and sleepy and ached all over from over doing it with the gardening but as He entered me i suddenly was so hungry for Hiim and it felt good- i mean really good like i've not experienced before with anal and when He reached round to play with my clit and whispered that He felt like He was raping me i was in ecstasy. 
 You know the thing that's most stuck in my head though? He redressed me afterwards as i lay in my stupor- i honestly am not sure when He last did that, if ever- it made me feel so cared for!
i love being His!

A sea change

sorry for not writing sooner- have been busy having a very full but extremely lovely weekend catching up with friends and gardening with D and the kids - yay!


Some things happened for us on Fri though that i wanted to write about. Fri is usually our scheduled 'maintenance meeting' but when i went to take the children to bed D looked like He was about to fall asleep in the chair within seconds so i was pretty much preparing myself for things to need to be delayed/ put on hold. 


So i was very surprised that when i came downstairs, D was writing in His journal and instructed me to go and get a candle to light on the coffee table.

He had me sit on the floor by the coffee table and watch the candle flame as He finished writing. He reached forward and placed a hair clip on my ear as He told me to 'focus'. It really hurt! As i tried to keep  quiet though ,so that i didn't distract Him, i began to accept the pain and be able to focus like He'd asked and i started to feel calmer i think. 
When He's finished writing, D came to the other side of the table and took off the clip. Boy does that burn but i'm starting to understand the meaning of 'good pain'.  
To be honest i can't even remember the detail of what D said but i know that it made me feel truly wonderfully reassured. He told me that He was beginning to recognise that He'd always wanted me this way - it was making me feel like He really wanted TTWD. 
He talked to me about how He wanted to make this work and i have come away from that conversation with a much clearer understanding of what He wants and His expectations of me. 
i even had the guts to explain that i was feeling that as much as i want the submission it is really hard for me because i am so feisty and i am so used to being in control. i guess i was basically asking Him to help 'break me in' hee hee.


i don't really feel like i'm doing this justice so i'm going to just say that it felt like a really beautiful moment. There has definitely a sea change here and i imagine i've yet to discover the full meaning of that
*shivers with anticipation*

maintenance

We've discussed the issues we both were feeling about the effect of scheduled maintenance and scenes but D has decided that we're going to keep it like that. i think He's right because our lives are so busy at the mo that it would probably fall to the wayside otherwise. We're both going to try to be more focused the rest of the time and allow for more spontaneity. D is helping me learn that He doesn't have to be 'fair' or 'nice' or give me warning and i love it- it is really helping me feel more 'submitted'.


Maintenance meeting tonight though and i don't think i've been a very good girl this week- eek!

all jumbled up

i've had to change contraception method recently and am currently in that delightful 'haywire hormones' phase as my body adjusts. It's making me feel things much more extremely i think and i had a really bad day with it yesterday. The issue that i've probably blown out of proportion is that even though we're definitely getting things back on track now it still feels like the D/s basically consists of a scheduled spanking on a friday, a scheduled scene on a sunday and the rest of the time we're completely vanilla in our interactions but i try (and often fail) to adhere to rules that D is actually not all that bothered about and wait on Him. i'm putting it a little baldly but this is  how it's felt - like all the little touches of dominance or submission we'd been offering each other had disappeared along with any added spontaneity to the more kinky sex and spanking. Where were all the 'just because I can' moments?
Somehow though, this ended up being a positive. i was able to explain how i was feeling to D in a calm and reasonably self-aware manner that made Him comment that He actually felt far more inclined to help me out and hear my concerns than He remembered feeling before. 
We were able to have a really nice evening with a small amount of kink thrown in for good measure hee hee! 

Mother's Day Treats

sorry i've not written in a few days- real life has intervened in a big way - i started this on monday ...


i had an absolutely lovely Mother's Day yesterday (Sunday).
my lovely little boy made me a pasta necklace at his nursery and he brought me breakfast in bed ( it was a plum and a banana on a plate- he's only 3!) and then we all had cooked breakfast in bed together that D made and He let me sleep in first- i felt sooo spoiled!
Then we had a lovely family day out at the zoo and the sun even came out for us. It was absolutely beautiful and i spent the whole day feeling absolutely full of love for my little family and D and i both felt so much more relaxed than we have in weeks.


Before the evening, D and i had discussed the idea of using some discipline within a scene to look for a way to move on from all the negative emotions we've been struggling through the last few weeks. So when the kids were asleep He had me run Him a bath and explained that He was going to have me wash Him to wash away all the stress of the last week or so. He also had me please Him orally while He lay in the bath- He seemed to really enjoy  the sensation and i found the wet hair all straggling round my face made me feel surprisingly very submissive.

After the bath, D had me strip and He tied my wrists to my thighs and then blindfolded me. i think then He reminded me what we'd discussed about discipline and Had me stand against a wall where i had to hold up a rubber spatula He'd placed in my mouth against the wall while He talked to me about the way i'd behaved and what He now expected of me. Whenever i moved or the spatula slipped He would either spank me or spray me with v cold water. i remember Him commenting that the water seemed effective as an incentive but if i could talk i would have told Him that it the desire to please Him was FAR more effective- it felt kinda like desperation & sooooooooo good when i managed it.


After standing back to watch me for a while He moved me so that He could press my head down into the sofa as i knelt before it still blindfolded and tied and spanked me HARD with the spatula and wouldn't stopped until i was ready to beg. He entered me hard and fast, and it felt amazing. i think He's starting to train me to cum on command as He's started using a countdown- it's very effective in making me feel like He owns my orgasm.


so yeah... great Mother's Day all round!

Poorly Sick

i am reet poorly today. i feel absolutely rotten and have very little energy for being mummy or wife or subbie. This is really the first time since we've started TTWD that it's been me that has backed off and it seems to be giving D a chance to 'shine'  or maybe just find His feet without me tugging at the reigns. He's being wonderfully nurturing and making sure i look after myself properly- He's even offered to finish work early.Before, any of these thing would have led to Him feeling resentful but not expressing it. He's being so wonderful infact that it's making me feel guilty that i can't serve or service Him properly to show my appreciation.


Now i totally get the argument that i need to look after His property so i shouldn't feel guilty about resting and making sure i get better, it's more the self- pity that i have an issue with. i feel so sorry for myself that it's kinda .. preoccupying... i can see i'm losing my focus but can't muster the energy to do much about it.


Gah i hate being ill!

breaking down

i had what i can only really describe as an anxiety attack last night. i think it was a culmination of a few things including the effect of the way D is dealing with some major work stress that has been rendering me submitting to a brick wall, some hormonal resettling from having had an IUS fitted, being slightly under the weather and it now being over a year since i had an unbroken night's sleep (ah the joys of parenting!). 
i've been so worried about D- and particularly the way He's been retreating from me as  a way of dealing with the stress. Last night though we had what felt like a major breakthrough- it's almost as though my body then knew that it needed to break down because as horrible as it was and weak as i feel now, D is back in charge. He's nurturing me and supporting me and i feel like He's 'there' again. If i was able to help Him and *us* then it was totally worth it. 


Feel kinda wiped now though.

discovering new bits of myself or How reading other blogs is affecting my life (in a good way)

In bed last night i expressed to D that i was feeling some resentment about the masturbation denial.  For a couple of reasons we're in the middle of two weeks where i can't use the k-balls so D is having me touch myself instead at the same time of day but i am not allowed to cum. i'm still not allowed to masturbate at all at any other time though. Even while we've had this 'mini- breakdown' i've stuck to this (with one small slip up) and i do like the concept of my orgasms becoming His and something i experience for His pleasure. The problem is though that due to houseguest, followed by "The Meltdown TM ", followed by a pressing work deadline for D, He's not exactly been making the most  of this ownership. 

We are both aware of my generally high sex drive and i had warned Him that i thought this denial would probably exacerbate it- so i guess neither of us was surprised by this pent up frustration really. i was taken off guard by His reaction though:

"ok You can masturbate but i want you to tell me what you're fantasising while you do it"

i don't think this is something i'd normally have an issue with, we've done similar stuff before infact, but this time it immediately brought up all the issues from "The Meltdown TM " and i felt very insecure. 

"fine i won't do it then".

Thankfully D didn't let me get away with that though and dealt with my issue firmly so that i couldn't find any excuses and i know my body was on D's side here too.

So i started by describing Discerning Dom's Post that i'd read yesterday and began to embellish upon it with D and i as the leading characters. As i was talking there was part of my brain saying

"What are you doing? This is about inspections, anal, buttplugs! These are so not things that arouse you!"

and another part answered:

"They do now, i know how much Sir enjoys it- nuff said"

and, quite frankly, my body didn't give a flying you-know-what, it was so hot and wet and ready to cum please!

"no, not yet"

huh?

As i bit back my surprise and desperately tried to hold on to my orgasm D began to talk as He rubbed himself over me. He described what He was seeing, How much He enjoyed keeping me on the edge and watching me bite my lip, buck my hips, breathe heavily, let out little moans. 

He made me wait an unbearably long time. i really felt i wasn't going to manage to say it heightened my focus is an understatement- all i could think about was holding it in for Him. 

When He finally thrust hard into  me and told me to cum i did- and HARD. It felt like it went on for ages like i couldn't stop...and then... when i thought i was spent, He pulled out and cam all over my stomach and breasts and rubbed it into me... and i came again. i've never had this kind if 'emotional orgasm' before and it felt incredible. D told me afterwards that He felt He saw part of me that had retreated kind of stretch out as He rubbed His cum into me and rejoin me. His description  and the way i felt made me think about Mouse's posts about 'the slave inside' and i definitely experienced the sensation of feeling like i couldn't get close enough to my Master.  

i slept better than i have in over two weeks - but gosh i feel so tired today. Guess my greedy body is craving more.

The submissive 'type'

ok i've managed to bore myself with my self-pitying posts so am going for something more upbeat today. 


Since we've started down this road, i keep looking back at things in a new light. Seeing new explanations for things so i thought i'd start a list. Is there such a thing as a submssive 'type'? Elements of our personalities that now with hindsight seem to be related to the fact that we're submissive? Here are my first thought, please feel very welcome to comment and add your own (although keep them nice eh?)


1. A very high, almost insatiable sex drive (maybe with extreme dips?).
2. Eager to please - inability to say 'NO'
3. Pre-discovery over defensiveness- like the submissive desire when repressed actually creates a control freak?
4. Desire to better oneself - i'm deliberately phrasing this as being distinct from low self-esteem.
5. 'researcher' - likes to be fully informed about anything they do- probably makes regular use of mr Google.


that's all I have so far. Can you add to it?

driving

i'm feeling very, very low today. We had a big talk last night that brought out in the open some fairly big stuff. i know tha open, honestness if the talk was good but some of the content has left me feeling pretty wounded. i think it's going to take some time to work through but it does feel like at least we're actually working on it now.

One positive thing, i think, is that i was able to express that i felt that i was still having to drive everything in terms of D/s which makes it difficult to fully submit and also to really believe that it's what He wants. So we're going to change some things to try and help with that. The private journal that i write is no longer going to be addressed directly to D and He will no longer read it everyday but He can still read it whenever He wants. Also, i'm going to stop sending Him links to blog emtries from others or internet pages- to give Him space to explore on His own.

We used the analogy of driving last night. He said i needed to let Him drive but remember that it's a new route. i said that was fine but it felt like He expected the road to just start moving under Him. So now i have to trust Him to keep His foot on the accelerator.

It's hard at the moment- especially because of some of the other things that came out last night- but i am trying.

i guess we both just need some patience and effort.

What a Week!

We have had a pretty horrendous week here! D has been suffering from the stress of some outside factors that have been making Him very low. Perfect timing for me to undergo an invasive and painful medical procedure. We were both pretty much unable to give each other the support we needed and it led to some pretty unpleasant rows and very hurt feelings. It's only today that i even feel able to write about it, having finally got past feeling so wounded.

i think we both became quite self-obsessed/ self-pitying and it was horrible, to be frank.

It is my belief that TTWD could help us in this kind of situation, and ultimately, it did as my bottom will attest. Yesterday morning D gave me a good, hard spanking to tears that brought my right out of myself again and i think helped Him feel back in control. i'd been asking for days though- He really struggles i think to reconcile the fear of hurting me - i'm wondering if anyone might have other suggestions from their experience for non-physical ways of dealing with these kinds of situations?

yours sincerely, confused.

what do you do if He deals with something in a way that You feel is wrong and leaves you feeling hurt and rejected?

i ended up being sent to bed because of the way i was speaking last night. i can see that i was being disrespectful but i just felt so hurt and He seemed to be ignoring that.

We've still not resolved things and this morning i felt like i was just going through the motions of the rituals i observe over breakfast etc. 

i feel very hurt and confused. Part of me is obsessing over Him being 'in the wrong' and the hurt feeling are making my stubbornness come out.  The other part of me feels that i need to cede for the 'greater good' of what we are trying to do because otherwise i'm undermining Him. i don't know how to do this though. How do i let go of the hurt- in the past i guess i've always held onto it until He apologised and i decided He'd made up for it. i don't want it to be like that anymore but i don't know what else to do. Sending me to bed only made me feel more hurt and shut off from Him than the original issue had already done.

so confused.

How does no one know?

 

This is how i feel this morning! Today is really the first time i've experienced the 'morning after' effect from a hard enough spanking and it feels great! i feel  like a little girl with a naughty secret and everytime i sit down i'm reminded of my wonderful Master and the great sex we had afterwards.

Thank You Sir!

snippets from the weekend

#1 Having to keep very quiet as D decides He wants me facing Him while He takes me in the ass. Realising that D enjoys the pleasure/pain response He can see in me and that i feel embarrassed.

#2 D decided that i needed a new phone and i was able to resist the urge to argue and just let #him make the decisions in the shop.

#3 D pulling my hair - holding my head still while we watch tv.

#4 D instructing me to drop my pants and lean over the back of the sofa. As He masturbated over me He picked up a glass to 'roll' between my legs. His comments on His view had me dripping with need that STILL hasn't been met! 

#5 We've been grabbing moments of conversation in which it's becoming clear that we both are more interested in SM than i'd at first realised- i'm really getting a sense of D leading us in directions of His choosing- it's delicious and making it a lot easier to let go of control.

Finally a full evening of alone time tonight! Woo!

No Man's Land - ceding territory

D's father is still with us but i'm extremely happy to report that having a visitor is actually proving to be beneficial for us. Over the previous week we've discussed a lot about my pushiness. i came to a realisation that in a lot of areas of our relationship i was employing a 'see a need, fill a need' philosophy and kind of filling gaps, often by pushing D to do what i felt He needed to do.

i'm now making a conscious effort to step back, to welcome Him into no man's land and beyond, over into my boundaries and it feels great. i'm by no means perfect at it, but i'm getting better i think and D definitely seems to be enjoying the 'room to maneuver- and boy! is He maneuvering.

i'll post the juicy details tomorrow when we're back to our normal routine again.

Below is the post i left on our private blog on Friday though...

The change since i've made myself stop 'filling the gap' feels huge and dramatic! It makes me feel like, in the past i had developed a habit of not just filling the gap but invading Your territory.i left You no room to maneuver and that is where a lot of our rows stemmed from.

Now i am beating a retreat and welcome that You are hot on my heels. i relish in You marching through no man's land and breaking down my defences. i am preparing to submit my capital to You and learning to speak Your language. 

i bow to a new King and gracefully hand You my autonomy because i believe You are a worthy leader with a well earned victory on the near horizon.

(this is a lion marking His territory )