driving

i'm feeling very, very low today. We had a big talk last night that brought out in the open some fairly big stuff. i know tha open, honestness if the talk was good but some of the content has left me feeling pretty wounded. i think it's going to take some time to work through but it does feel like at least we're actually working on it now.

One positive thing, i think, is that i was able to express that i felt that i was still having to drive everything in terms of D/s which makes it difficult to fully submit and also to really believe that it's what He wants. So we're going to change some things to try and help with that. The private journal that i write is no longer going to be addressed directly to D and He will no longer read it everyday but He can still read it whenever He wants. Also, i'm going to stop sending Him links to blog emtries from others or internet pages- to give Him space to explore on His own.

We used the analogy of driving last night. He said i needed to let Him drive but remember that it's a new route. i said that was fine but it felt like He expected the road to just start moving under Him. So now i have to trust Him to keep His foot on the accelerator.

It's hard at the moment- especially because of some of the other things that came out last night- but i am trying.

i guess we both just need some patience and effort.