thanks and communication

Thank You so much for the comments on my last post. We had a really good big talk last night and sorted a lot of stuff out.  i feel that D has given me the opportunity to express my feelings fully and hopefully He's taken them on board. 

His major issue is that i am impatient and He has suggested that temporarily stopping reading stuff on the internet might help me to slow down and just 'be' with Him so i am on internet restrictions at the mo and the blog role on the side of my blog has suddenly become the most enticing place ever!

sticking point

We seem to have hit a bit of a problem around the subject of discipline/ punishment/ whatever you call it. 

It feels very odd writing about negative things here but i'm hoping it'll be helpful.

i've managed to fail on some of the new rules already i'm afraid- D worked away the night before last and i slipped straight back into old habits on getting up with the kids in the morning. He'd also instructed me to have 3 ten minute masturbation sessions on both days He was away and i managed to go over time on one of them. Then, to top it all off i was so annoyed at myself that i got really pissy with Him on the phone when He was trying to reassure me.

So i think everyone would agree that i thoroughly deserved some punishment for my behaviour and He told me on the phone that i should get on with my day and He'd deal with me later which left me appropriately chastened. 

Well the evening pretty much turned into a disaster. When the kids were in bed He decided we should both study for an hour first but we ended up just snapping at each other, in my opinion because there was so much tension so we weren't communicating well, although i'm not sure D totally agrees. We kind of resolved this partially but then D chose a punishment for me that was a subject we've talked about recently in a positive, sexual context and didn't really say much to me (ok, i need to get over the embarrassment- he said "the is piss for pissiness"- so you get the idea) which did make me feel very submissive but in no way felt like a punishment.

Also, the supposed daily maintenance spanking that we'd agreed was going to need extra focus and communication after D'd been away was actually 5 swats with not one word uttered.

So basically i became more and more bratty unfortunately- i really did try to control it but D ordered me to tell Him what was wrong and it all came out a bit like a shaken up fizzy drink bottle! Now He's gone off to work and i feel horrible and guilty and unforgiven and like everything's hanging over us.

To me, punishment/discipline offers the opportunity for D to show that He cares about what i do and me to show that i do care about pleasing Him and trying to better myself. Most importantly though, in the past we've both been bad at harboring resentment for things we thought we'd dealt with that then would resurface with the next row and so on. The use of a firm  punishment seems like an opportunity for us both to feel that an issue has been fully dealt with and apologies accepted and forgiveness given so that we can both truly move on. i ready Sir J's extremely good post this morning and i too feel that this should not be about fear but love.

i think maybe D has problems with feeling harsh for doing this over things that with hindsight He feels are unimportant or were misjudged by Him, but i really need the consistency.

i am aware i'm being controlling to some extent about this and that doesn't feel right to me- it;s still early days for us though and we will get better at this- i wonder if part of this is that there's a part of my control that i really need Him to take from me? i definitely seem to feel the urge for Him to really push me - like it would allow me to feel more secure in His control.

i'm sorry Sir, i guess i am a high-maintenance sub huh?

finding myself

D said He could hardly recognise me when He got in from work last night- i was still so quiet and girly. i think when i'm feeling particularly submissive i kinda retreat into myself a little and i think this seems to D like i've become quite serious. But i am learning how to establish a balance- it's reassuring to know that i can still be my feisty, cheeky self and make this work too. Sometimes it's hard to switch from Domme Mummy to sub wife though lol!

Oh i forgot to mention that we've agreed on a week of daily spankings which started on sunday- the idea is to get to grips with what i can take and for D to start to feel comfortable with it too i guess. We're making slow and steady progess with it. i think before i would have tried to control this kind of situation but i am getting better at accepting that D is making the decisions in my and our best interest. i did say to Him last night though that i feel that at some point we need to establish where my limits are for Him to be able to make informed choices about how far He wants to take me in any given scenario and the fear of this set in almost as i said it so i guess that''ll teach me!

Lots of new stuff

The last post shows my new rules that we agreed on last night. i realised as i wrote them out that it seems like a lot but actually the rules themselves don't make me feel especially submissive at the moment as there's really very little on there that i've not suggested myself but having said that i think that i need to accept that D's style of dominance is always going to  involve me having a say in things because he really does like me feisty and opinionated (which is lucky really hee hee). So i guess a part of my submission is going to be recognising where it's appropriate to have some control. i also love that we are using thus 'kink' to improve our lives in so many more ways than i realised was possible.

Of course i was foolish enough to say this about the rules not making me feel submissive to D so he felt the need to establish his dominance another way. i was naked by this point and He had me stand with my heels together, one arm held up above my head and the other used to touch myself. i received firm slaps for any wavering of the position as He described that he was going to place me up on the dining table and fuck me hard but i was not allowed to cum until He did which, He pointed out, might be difficult after the attention He has given recently to making sure i have several orgasms that start early on in our lovemaking.

Of course all this practise has made sure that He is now extremely efficient at hitting my g-spot from this position so i was soon in trouble, once He established that i was starting to find it difficult He told me that if i failed to hold it He would take me in the arse as 'punishment'- this had a fairly profound effect on me even as a threat as it is fairly uncharted territory for us and i have developed a bit of fear over it after we had an aborted drunken attempt about 6 years ago- He definitely knows it's something i've been wary of although i have communicated that the very fact it doesn't appeal to me kind of gives it appeal through the true submissiveness of it.

So this had me in quite a state as he teased me with questions as to whether He should be kind to me or not. He seemed to decide He didn't want to be kind and gentle though and said He'd give me a 'sporting chance' to last out for a minute and then began counting down from 60 whilst steadily increasing the pressure, pace and stimulation. To be honest though i think it was the counting that really got me and i made it to about 6 or 7 i think before i completely lost control.

Normally i find D pretending to be cross quite amusing but as He turned me over to face down over the edge of the table and began to cover me in lube i think i pretty much stopped being fully conscious of anything beyond His presence and the sensations my body was experiencing- i do remember that as He started to penetrate me i thought "He's actually doing this" - i've kind of known we were leading up to this mostly because it's always been something that He's more interested in than me but i think part of me still felt He was too 'nice' to use me that way. Idiot.

i have to say that it was absolutely no where near as bad as i thought it would be and the submissive feelings it gave me were absolutely wonderful- i totally lost myself and He was even able to make me cum again when He started to touch my clit and told me that He wanted me to cum this time.

Before i knew it He was wrapping me in a blanket and helping me ease to the floor- i seem to get extremely cold almost immediately after He pushed me like this- and i could hardly speak for a while as He held me and helped me warm up. 

After a relatively quick cuddle i had to go to bed though- wouldn 't do to miss my new bedtime on the first night!

my Rules- updated 26/1/10

 These are written addressed to D.


Household

1. i need to complete household chores in a timely fashion- where possible before leaving the house to make sure i have time to ready myself for Your return in anyway You’d like.
2. On top of daily tasks(cleaning kitchen & sorting all washing) i should do one particular household task each day (dust & hoovering upstairs, dusting & hoovering downstairs, cleaning bathroom and at least on of the less regular tasks like cleaning the oven or washing sofa covers).
3. TV only on during the day for cartoons while i feed bubba- not to be used as background- this is also the time i should write my blogs and not use laptop at other times.
4. i am to prepare ‘stock take’ in time for our maintenance meeting.
5. On Friday evenings we will have a maintenance meeting which will include discussing the week past, looking ahead, writing a shopping list and me receiving a maintenance spanking.
6. i must make a daily entry into this blog- or seek permission if there's a reason why it might not be possible.- I should also maintain my public blog.
7. i must work 2-3 sessions a week on my course
.
Health

1. On week days i am to get up at 7 and go to bed at 10.
2. i am to ensure we both take Juice Plus capsules daily.
3. i am to exercise with You on alternate mornings.
4. i must resist the sugary chocolate temptation when out & eat healthily instead.

Sex & Submission

1. i am to offer You oral sex daily- or seek permission if there's a reason why it might not be possible.
2. .All of my body is available for Your use at all times.
3. .i am to offer You a 'lingam & testicular massage' daily - or seek permission if there's a reason why it might not be possible.
4. During the colder weather i can wear clothes to bed
5. When the children are in bed i should present myself to You wearing only a shirt unless You specify otherwise.
6. Around other people i should if possible still sit at Your feet. If not then i should try to maintain physical contact or make sure my body is angles toward You
7. I must not orgasm without Your permission but I am still allowed to touch myself at the moment.

Adapting to change

i'm getting used to the feeling of wearing a collar now- D worked away last night and having His collar round my neck seemed to really help me as i usually find it impossible to sleep when He's away. Today was the first time i saw other people so was able to put to rest the fear that other people would 'know' which of course was pretty paranoid- although i have still to see my perceptive sisters! It definitely helps with keeping me in a submissive mindset when i'm not with Him which i've been finding difficult because i have to be so 'in charge' with the kids during the day.

We are having a talk this evening about reasonable expectations for household chores etc and how we want Maintenance to work so i guess i may have some new rules to post soon so... watch this space!

Details of the ceremony

We had a beautiful evening, thanks for the well wishes :) I actually feel a bit embarrassed about a lot of this but i'm intending to avoid editing bits out as i feel like it's good for me to record it all- i hope D will agree i've achieved this :)

After putting our little girl in her cot i came downstairs naked (so far D has been leaving a shirt out for me to put on as it's bloody freezing here!) and while D was in the bath i prepared candles, an oil burner and bowls of floating candles and laid out the collar on a cushion then went to kneel beside his bath (this is becoming something of a regular occurrence but is not a rule atm).

We then had a bit of an awkward (and potentially disastrous) moment in which i needed to wee and D told me to go in front of him (bathroom privacy is a weird hang up of mine) and i just couldn't- He even generously distracted me with his cock in my mouth but there was still nothing doing. i felt like i'd ruined the whole evening by not being able to will my body to submit fully. D was wonderful though; He gave me a few minutes to compose myself and then reminded me that we are only at the beginning of our journey and there will always be progress to be made but it doesn't mean we have failed.

Once i was feeling better D took my hand and explained that he wanted to start the evening with a trust exercise. He had me stand out into our back garden (not really overlooked) and then locked the door on me- it was absolutely freezing and i felt so exposed even though i knew that nobody would see me- i didn't hesitate at all though! When He came to get me i felt like i'd been there ages although i suspect it was only a matter of 1 or 2 minutes and i felt very humbled, my security was very much in His hands.

D wrapped his dressing gown over me and helped me warm up again which actually didn't take very long and then had me kneel on my cushion.

D picked the collar up and held it in his hands as He talked about how right this felt for us and the pride He took in me wearing a physical symbol and looking forward to developing his ownership of me. i remember being absolutely mesmerized by his hands fingering the metal of the collar.

He then asked me if there was anything i wanted to say and i reiterated that i saw what we were doing as a progression of our marriage and a beautiful step forward. i have to admit that i didn't say anything like as much as i thought i'd say as i got quite choked up. D then asked if i accepted his collar willingly which of course was met with a most enthusiastic "yes, Sir" and he then attached the collar round my neck and i thanked Him.

My lovely new collar has a ring attachment so of course D was keen to test that out and promptly leashed me and pulled me toward his crotch where i was most eager to oblige him- it felt quite delicious to be so powerless.. He then had me follow Him around a bit but was very kind and didn't make me crawl- i'm not sure if i'm ready for that yet hee hee.

When He sat me back down  He had me touch myself and then started moving the bowls of candles around but when i tried to follow what He was doing He stopped and illustrated His control through a series of orders on where i was to look (can You believe this was an entirely new concept to Him less than 2 months ago?) before leaving me again to continue what He was doing- the upshot of which is that there are now photos and videos of me touching myelf. i'm still not sure how i feel about this- i can recognise that they are actually quite beautiful but still find them very hard to look at.- It is nice to have a memory like that though.

The sex we had was a beautiful mixture of passionate love making with lots of eye contact proceeding on to me being ridden hard while D pulled on my collar and my hair (He knows i love this). i also found that without conscious thought i changed the way i asked for permission to orgasm to "may i please cum for You Sir" which felt great and really helped with the way i see it.

By the time we went to bed i felt absolutely glowing with warm fuzzy loveliness, what a wonderful Sir i have and miraculously our little girl actually slept all the way through it (this is a rarity atm and we are amassing a series of comedy 'coitus interruptus' stories).

Slightly off topic but an interesting upshot is that bubba seems to prefer pulling on the collar to pinching me when she's breastfeeding- i'd say this is an improvement but does make me wonder just how many masters i have!

collaring

D and i are having our own made up version of a collaring ceremony tonight. We felt it might really help both of us to change our mindset and we also wanted something to mark the progression of our relationship- we've discussed a few times how D/s feels to us like a step on beyond marriage - a kind of deeper commitment.
From my point of view, i'm also hoping that the visual reminder will help D feel that He really doesn't have to be gentle and loving with me all the time- not that i don't appreciate that He is also!

Anyway, i'm so excited but first we have to get these kids into bed !

Hopefully i'll post up some details tomorrow

an attempt at some background

i'm realising now that submissiveness may have always been a part of me despite my apparently dominant personality. i've  had a specific, submissive 'go-to' masturbation fantasy since my early teens (probably a topic for another post-hee hee) and i've experimented with light bondage with previous boyfriends. Before i met D though, my boyfriends had all been rather weak individusls to be honest and here, finally, was a real man who stood up to me. So of course my response was to push and ;push. Of course i recognise now that i was looking for him to set boundries, take charge. When i brought up the idea of bondage, my enthusiasm put him right off- of course by this point i was in love and hadn't identified this as a need so the idea was pretty much shelved.

Despite being happily in love we did continue to have arguments about our sex life- which mostly boiled down to me feeling undesired and unsatisfied (yes my sex drive is ridiculously high) and on D's part i thinik feeling baffled and worn out by my inability to fully identify what i wasn't satisfied with.

2 children later, and with the usual ups and downs you might expect over 7 years, this  culminated in a massive row in which D repeated an 'amusing' story ( in which i'd been having an erotic dream and he'd noticed and chosen to ignore me) to a friend. i seemed to reach some sort of snapping point where i realised i couldn't keep retreating inwards and feeling guilty for my sexual inclinations etc.

Please understand i'm not trying to say D was in any way responsible here- these were entirely my own issues as was the way i dealt with them and the way i communicated them, or didn't, with D.

So anyway, after 2 or so days of not talking i tried to communicate how i was feeling and got as far as the 'not feeling guilty' anymore thing which was definitely progress but i knew i hadn't really sorted out everything.

The following evening D went on a (v rare since the kids) evening out and i spent an evening of messing around on the internet.

To illustrate how near/far i was at this point to understanding myself, i was googling terms along the lines of "get your man to be more dominant" and then "my wife wants me to dominate her" and i stumbled upon this site which, although i am personally not religious, felt like someone was putting my own jumbled up feelings into words. i took a big, scary step and emailed it to D then went to bed.

Before i'd even fully fallen asleep i was woken by D returning from the pub for very rough sex, whispering "this is what You need isn't it, me to own you".

i fell asleep feeling thoroughly used and slightly euphoric that my baring of my soul had been so well received.

The next morning i discovered that he hadn't even read the email yet!

i'm so sorry this is so long and rambling- it'll get better i promise!

emerging from the world of the lurkers

i've been lurking for a little while on various blogs now which has helped me get to grips with what we are doing but i recently had a 'moment' which made me feel it was time to emerge.
As this whole change has been at my request i have really tried to be careful about not putting to much pressure on (i regularly fail lol) and often find myself using phrases like " if we're going to do this" and "if this is still what You want". Well, D and i were having a row at the weekend and i pulled out one of these comments to which he replied
"I think you need to accept that there's no 'if' anymore; we are in a D/s relationship and i can't see that changing."

oh.

That shut me up.

i will try and put up some more detail soon about how we got started into this and where we are going so far. My plan is to repost some things from the private blog that i feel brave enough to share and put in vignettes from our journey along with my, often quite random, thoughts.
i'm rapidly becoming addicted to this writing thing but have to keep balance with 2 young children and a college course as well as D's needs of course.

s