an attempt at some background

i'm realising now that submissiveness may have always been a part of me despite my apparently dominant personality. i've  had a specific, submissive 'go-to' masturbation fantasy since my early teens (probably a topic for another post-hee hee) and i've experimented with light bondage with previous boyfriends. Before i met D though, my boyfriends had all been rather weak individusls to be honest and here, finally, was a real man who stood up to me. So of course my response was to push and ;push. Of course i recognise now that i was looking for him to set boundries, take charge. When i brought up the idea of bondage, my enthusiasm put him right off- of course by this point i was in love and hadn't identified this as a need so the idea was pretty much shelved.

Despite being happily in love we did continue to have arguments about our sex life- which mostly boiled down to me feeling undesired and unsatisfied (yes my sex drive is ridiculously high) and on D's part i thinik feeling baffled and worn out by my inability to fully identify what i wasn't satisfied with.

2 children later, and with the usual ups and downs you might expect over 7 years, this  culminated in a massive row in which D repeated an 'amusing' story ( in which i'd been having an erotic dream and he'd noticed and chosen to ignore me) to a friend. i seemed to reach some sort of snapping point where i realised i couldn't keep retreating inwards and feeling guilty for my sexual inclinations etc.

Please understand i'm not trying to say D was in any way responsible here- these were entirely my own issues as was the way i dealt with them and the way i communicated them, or didn't, with D.

So anyway, after 2 or so days of not talking i tried to communicate how i was feeling and got as far as the 'not feeling guilty' anymore thing which was definitely progress but i knew i hadn't really sorted out everything.

The following evening D went on a (v rare since the kids) evening out and i spent an evening of messing around on the internet.

To illustrate how near/far i was at this point to understanding myself, i was googling terms along the lines of "get your man to be more dominant" and then "my wife wants me to dominate her" and i stumbled upon this site which, although i am personally not religious, felt like someone was putting my own jumbled up feelings into words. i took a big, scary step and emailed it to D then went to bed.

Before i'd even fully fallen asleep i was woken by D returning from the pub for very rough sex, whispering "this is what You need isn't it, me to own you".

i fell asleep feeling thoroughly used and slightly euphoric that my baring of my soul had been so well received.

The next morning i discovered that he hadn't even read the email yet!

i'm so sorry this is so long and rambling- it'll get better i promise!