sticking point

We seem to have hit a bit of a problem around the subject of discipline/ punishment/ whatever you call it. 

It feels very odd writing about negative things here but i'm hoping it'll be helpful.

i've managed to fail on some of the new rules already i'm afraid- D worked away the night before last and i slipped straight back into old habits on getting up with the kids in the morning. He'd also instructed me to have 3 ten minute masturbation sessions on both days He was away and i managed to go over time on one of them. Then, to top it all off i was so annoyed at myself that i got really pissy with Him on the phone when He was trying to reassure me.

So i think everyone would agree that i thoroughly deserved some punishment for my behaviour and He told me on the phone that i should get on with my day and He'd deal with me later which left me appropriately chastened. 

Well the evening pretty much turned into a disaster. When the kids were in bed He decided we should both study for an hour first but we ended up just snapping at each other, in my opinion because there was so much tension so we weren't communicating well, although i'm not sure D totally agrees. We kind of resolved this partially but then D chose a punishment for me that was a subject we've talked about recently in a positive, sexual context and didn't really say much to me (ok, i need to get over the embarrassment- he said "the is piss for pissiness"- so you get the idea) which did make me feel very submissive but in no way felt like a punishment.

Also, the supposed daily maintenance spanking that we'd agreed was going to need extra focus and communication after D'd been away was actually 5 swats with not one word uttered.

So basically i became more and more bratty unfortunately- i really did try to control it but D ordered me to tell Him what was wrong and it all came out a bit like a shaken up fizzy drink bottle! Now He's gone off to work and i feel horrible and guilty and unforgiven and like everything's hanging over us.

To me, punishment/discipline offers the opportunity for D to show that He cares about what i do and me to show that i do care about pleasing Him and trying to better myself. Most importantly though, in the past we've both been bad at harboring resentment for things we thought we'd dealt with that then would resurface with the next row and so on. The use of a firm  punishment seems like an opportunity for us both to feel that an issue has been fully dealt with and apologies accepted and forgiveness given so that we can both truly move on. i ready Sir J's extremely good post this morning and i too feel that this should not be about fear but love.

i think maybe D has problems with feeling harsh for doing this over things that with hindsight He feels are unimportant or were misjudged by Him, but i really need the consistency.

i am aware i'm being controlling to some extent about this and that doesn't feel right to me- it;s still early days for us though and we will get better at this- i wonder if part of this is that there's a part of my control that i really need Him to take from me? i definitely seem to feel the urge for Him to really push me - like it would allow me to feel more secure in His control.

i'm sorry Sir, i guess i am a high-maintenance sub huh?