Thank you so much to everyone who pitched in on the punishment issue. We've talked a lot over the last few days and i will write a proper response after the weekend but right now we're packing to go away for the weekend.
Happy Bank Holiday!

A Question

i have a question and would be really keen to hear what you have to say.


As you may have read before, D has restricted my ability to touch myself and give myself orgasm. i may not do this without permission. Also, on days that i can't wear my smart balls in the afternoon i am supposed to touch myself without reaching orgasm.


There's is a fair amount of tension between us about this for a couple of reasons. One is that i have failed a couple of time (please don't be mean, i'm new at this) and felt a fair amount of time feeling disappointed in myself for letting D down and guilty about  it but then D appeared to not be bothered and i haven't really received any correction (in the spirit of honesty He has talked about it when spanking me but only after i'd talked to Him about this). We are both in agreement that corporal  punishment is unlikely to work (at least right now) so i guess my question is if you are a sub then how does your Master react to this type of failure and if you are a Dom then how would you react- what am i doing wrong?


The other issue is that this restriction has totally ramped up my sex drive. i seem to be in a fairly constant state of subbie desire and i'm (again in the spirit of honesty, i don't like this about myself) feeling resentful that He's not taking any advantage of having me in this state so it kind of feels like the rule is hard to stick to under these circumstances. So here i guess my question is, if you are a sub then does this affect you the same way and does your Master make the most of it? and if you are a Dom then why do/would you use this restriction and how/would you take advantage of it?


Would be very interested to hear your opinions so please please comment!

a novel way to end an argument

Big Silly Row That Wasn't TM.
   Well it wasn't a row exactly. There wasn't something we were specifically disagreeing about. More like an overflow of emotions and insecurity and stress from both of us. Pushing each other's buttons. 


Getting through to the other side left us both drained and exhausted. But somehow we were talking, really talkling, finally breaking through from generalities to helpful specifics. We talked about the issues D has had around play. What he explained was, quite honestly, a pleasant surprise. i think i'd jumped to conclusions that His hesitance or reluctance was to do with making himself do something just because i wanted it. Last night He explained that actually it's that He's not yet feeling 'dominance' as part of our sex life. He's feeling 'kinkiness' and my submission, but my understanding of what He explained is that for Him  a large part of feeling this dominance is to do with being more focussed on me (as sub?) when we play and i think being more forward thinking - like in terms of my training and His development? i'm sorry if i'm not explaining this well, i'm trying to clarify my understanding of His thoughts - ooh i hope this won't get me in trouble.


My initial reaction, which may be bad, was a sense of relief. This is something we can work on together, this is not what i'd feared because if He it was the case that He just wasn't into it then that would have been the end of that really. This though is something we can look for solutions for and keep moving slowly forward. This also makes me feel so cared for by Him. He was seeing it as a crisis of confidence but i think it may actually be the most Domly thing He's said to date.  
i think He's found my enthusiasm a little intimidating also. i do have a tendency to take an idea and run with it and i like talking about things... a lot. 
i tried to explain that the biggest turn on for me is His desire. When He mentions something, i become super focussed on it- quite often with a mix of fascination and fear or intimidation. i used the example of how a couple of weeks ago, while we were having sex, He'd told me He was at some point going to fist me. The way He'd described it had made me feel INCREDIBLY submissive, all squirmy and wriggly and little, at the time and had firmly lodged itself in my mind and has been something i've kept coming back to. It's not something i would have become particularly focused on of my own accord though. 
When i explained this, D reacted in two ways that at first seemed to oppose each other. As His hands moving inside my pyjama trousers, He told me how intimidating He found it, that He knew nothing about these things we've discussed, He found the responsibility scary because He knew nothing about how to do them safely.
Squirming under His touch, i pointed out that i knew just as little but we always Had 'Mr Google' on hand. As His fingers began to dip inside me He created an amusing image of stopping mid-coitus to check online how to insert a buttplug. 
Starting to become breathless, i endeavoured to show Him that we already know enough to make first endeavours safe so long as we go slow and keep checking in with each other. 
   "well i think in the case of both butt plugs and fisting a lot of lube is going to be necessary. i think i'd be grateful in both instances if you went very slowly and gently..ugh... i guess i need to be relaxed...umm [squirming more and more] ...ahh... if at first we don't succeed...ummm... i mean... it doesn't matter if it doesn't work first time does ittt..err?"


Suddenly (or so it seemed to me in my distracted state) He's reaching for the lube. i can feel His well oiled fingers gently stretching me, testing my skin, pushing and retracting, at first i'm feeling calm, calm enough to explain that i need Him to keep talking, to relax me into it. As He starts to push further i can feel myself starting to feel a bit panicky, my daughter is only 1 and the feeling was disturbingly familiar whilst at the same very different. 
He stopped where He was, He calmed me, He showed me He wasn't going to give up just because it was hard for me. When i was calmer He began to move His hand again. i felt so exposed, so vulnerable, so submissive. i think around this time i began to lose the power of speech. The feeling of Him in me like that was extremely intense, maybe especially after the emotional turmoil of the evening. He told me how much He liked it, it felt amazing to hear that without having to ask, because i wouldn't have been able to ask anyway.
He began to play with my clit too, at first it was wonderful, it helped me relax and just feel. 
and then, suddenly, it was too much. i still couldn't talk but thankfully D seemed to just know, He slowly moved out while He kept up the pressure on my clit. i came almost immediately, i felt totally overwhelmed and consumed. 

my blog as a word cloud

  I discovered the Wordle site on His rose's blog so thank you!

training-ish

so i'm really struggling with the rules about masturbation and orgasms. i think there's a lot of things contributing to this. i've tried to compile a list to help me understand:

•  i suffer from insommnia (at times chronic) and i have often used masturbation as a way of relaxing myself.
• i have a high sex drive and i think that masturbating kinda helped me control this as since it's been restricted i'm feeling a lot more sexual frustration.
• D's sex drive is (certainly in current practical terms) quite a bit lower than mine.
• things are particularly stressful at the moment so i guess maybe i'm feeling the need for release more.
• the times when i have failed and broken rules D doesn't really seem bothered - He's certainly not really done anything more than laugh at me.- this is true for touching myself without permission and cumming without permission both on my own and during sex/play.

so last night i was trying to be good and not touch myself in bed, we were both extremely tired but i just couldn't get to sleep and was finding it frustrating. D decided to try something new and had me loosely hold Him while He rested His hand over my mound and clit. 

Immediately i was on fire and desperate. He persisted, He told me i needed to learn to break the habit. i argued that breaking the habit was one thing but making it even harder for me to sleep was another. He stuck to His guns though and insisted that i would have to get used to it as He would do it every night this week.

i managed to bite my tongue and try to accept but the crazy pent up energy was still there so i was lying there trying to keep quiet whilst squirming and fidgeting to try to find a way to release a bit of the energy and be able to sleep.

He kept me like this for half an hour, He comforted me when i was nearly in tears, 

and then He made me cum and wouldn't let me stop...

already today though i feel out of control with it again *sigh* i wish i was better at it. 

Roles and Roles

There are some potentially big changes on the horizon in our everyday lives that would involve a massive shift in the way we  work. Put simply, it's become a possibility that i might become the 'breadwinner' for a time. Whilst i've always been the one with the clear ideas if the career i want, it's leaving me feeling confused and concerned about how it will affect our dynamic. Especially given it's relative newness. 
i'm having difficulty visualising coming home from work to D putting dinner on the table and still being able to feel like He's in control. But i KNOW that this is what i need now, and i suspect that work stresses will only make me need it more. 
Maybe D getting a bit more headspace will prove to be positive though, ..


It may not happen anyway. This is a confusing and stressful  time for us - D seems in a good place though and yesterday mentioned His intention to use TTWD to help us through- that feels like massive progress.

Brought in line

 i received my first 'real' punishment. i've been massively sleep deprived and not dealing well with things recently and i let it all come out at D focused on the frustration i've been feeling about not feeling much input from Him with TTWD.  To be honest i was pretty horrible and then i went off in a strop and fell asleep. 

After the children were in bed D spoke to me about my behaviour in a way He's not done before (thankfully i had the good sense not to try and argue back like i might have done in the past)  - it felt like a lecture and i quickly found myself feeling pretty humbled. He set me clear 'this is not acceptable-s' and expectations. 

The planned scenes for Sunday nights are now cancelled. This type of play will now only happen if i earn it and even then it depends on when D decides. i suspect this is going to be a very effective motivator for me, especially as my sex drive has always seemed higher than his. Oh and also He says there will def be no play until i've caught up on the ironing- drat, i've really been caught out on that one!

Bizarrely- even thinking about thiss makes me feel so much more ... secure. i feel like He really notices me and what i do. 

Cared for.

oh i nearly forgot to say... my punishment was that i was not allowed to touch Him in bed - even to cuddle. It was horrible, especially knowing that it left me unable to meet His needs. i think the very existence of the need for punishment, the guilt and the lectyre, was worse though. At least carrying out the punishment felt like an act of penitence so that i can be forward looking again.

openness is next to godliness

The communication thing is ON! We are doing great at keeping things open between us right now. i even managed to not get stroppy when He decided He just wanted to veg in front of the TV rather than spank me last night! The way He talked to me so i knew exactly where He was at just felt so different to anything that's happened before- i was able to understand that it wasn't because He wasn't interested, or anything i'd done. He was just tired.


God i hope we can keep it like this!

uncharted territory and the power of faith

D used pegs on me for the first time this week.
 The idea had come up a few times recently.


On Monday, a bag appeared on the kitchen table. 
On Tuesday afternoon I finally caved and mentioned them.
"oh you noticed them huh." - that was the most i could get out of Him.


On Wednesday evening, we had a discussion about the frustrations i've been feeling lately. D had me right down as mmany thing as i could think of that He could do to make me feel 'dominated'. He said he was going to fold them up and pick one out everytime He felt i was antsy. - eek!


To 'focus me on my task' (i think i was babbling) He placed a clothes peg on the right side of my mouth.
When the speed of my writing started to slow, He ordered me to stand and undress. He began adding more pegs, one on my left shoulder, my right nipple, the left side near my belly button, my right labia, my left breast, my right hand by my thumb, my clit. i think He was deliberately making them asymmetrical, it left me feeling very off balance.


 He kept stepping back to admire His handiwork. i felt like i was blushing right down to my toes and i found it difficult to look at Him.When He spanked me it really took me by surprised, i jumped and cried out loud. He didn't seem to make any real response, i couldn't tell if He was enjoying Himself - the cold clinicalness was at once arousing me and stirring my anxieties about Him doing this just for me.  i could feel how aroused i was getting and as He removed them, i'm sure He could too. 


When He'd removed all the pegs He sat down and beckoned me to come suck HIs cock, and i eagerly complied. He pulled my hair back to stop me and instructed me to hold still, staring at His cock while He masturbated. When i went to close my mouth to swallow He slapped me and told me to 'keep it open'. 


HIs cum seemed to be everywhere, i could taste it in my mouth, i could feel it on my chin and dripping down onto my cushion. As He rubbed it around my face, i looked up in His eyes and i could see His dominance. 


Everyday i'm getting closer to believing that this really is what He wants now too

Denial

Sometimes it seems that some of the most effective things D does as a dominant actually involve Him doing nothing at all. 


Last night i was denied permission to touch myself in bed. i lay there feeling sooo horny, and frustrated, and embarrassed and very much under control.  


Having to ask permission feels so embarrassing. i both love it and hate it at the same time. It keeps that submissive feeling in my head - the side effect of this of course is that i find it incredibly arousing. i guess i'm finding that tough right now though because we've kinda agreed (mostly, D has decided in our interest) that the sex side of thing needs to be dampened down a little right now because we're handling so much that we're both utterly shattered. The irrefutable logic of this doesn't stop me fantasising about D randomly deciding He wants me tied up at His feet or presenting myself for His entertainment though. 


Hey, a girl can dream i right...?

New Beginnings

Firstly, i'd like to introduce Sir D's blog - i'd like to be able to take credit for persuading Him but i'm fairly sure that He doesn't do anything just because i say so -hee hee. Anyways, i hope you can find time to pop over and say hi!


We've had a great beginning to our 'fresh start' this weekend. We're both working harder at fitting things in to our 24/7 lives. On Sat we took the kids out for a daytrip. We held hands a lot, D gave occasional tugs to my hair, i drew His attention to a display of knee high socks with a cheeky grin on my face, He wiped it off by drawing my attention to a display of leather belts *gulp*


It feels fun again. 
Can't wait for Him to get Home- my thoughts are very focused on my Sir while He's at work today.

construction work

Recently real life has bitten in the backside in several ways. i think, because the cement of our D/s (or whatever you call it) foundations was still wet, it had kinda knocked the whole structure out of whack. Big chunks of the building started to fall down as the scaffolding fell away. 


Over the last three days we've managed to extend our contract and look at redigning the basic architectural design. We've had to remove some more parts of the building in order to re-align the foundations, but hopefully the new design will not be so easily knocked.


Some key elements of the new design: 
D recognises a need to be firmer with me.
i see that physical punishments are unlikely to work for us, particularly to begin with - we've discussed some alternatives.
D intends to commit to remaining open and not shut off from me.
i know that i must improve my attitude and remain respectful even when i feel D is not sticking to something - ie i must commit in the same way.
i have suggested the idea of finding a mentor for D, He has asked me to set up a blog for Him as i kind of first step to this - so watch this space.
we are both going to focus on regaining the fun and experimentation element as a priority - so i think we're very open to ideas and suggestions :)




The whole experience has been very draining but i do think we're in a better, more stable place than we were before. i am closer to really believing that D wants this just as much as i do - i am truly experiencing His commitment, His ownership and i hope we can keep it more consistent now.