preemptive strike!

This afternoon my father in law is coming to stay for 3/4 days (D's family are not great at nailing down details hee hee). Obviously this is going to affect our interaction quite a lot so, even though D was absolutely exhausted He gave me an early maintenance spanking  after having me put my k- balls in in front of Him (i found this ridiculously embarassing for some reason which He seemed to enjoy!). He's also been using the hair pulling to make sure i'm firmly in my place before the visit. He joked that He's going to regret confessing How much i love this!

Thank You Sir, i appreciate all this effort You make for me!!!

The Power of Hair Pulling

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submissive statement

i wrote this in our private journal today and liked the way it sounded so i thought i'd put it here too...

 

i am learning how to truly let myself be owned and controlled by You. i am trying to learn how not to push and this is probably the hardest thing for me- i am used to being the driving force, especially in our emotional and sex life. i am learning to trust You to set an appropriate pace. i am learning to accept that i have  expressed my desires and interests, 

You know that i am extremely aroused by humiliation, degradation and objectification both verbal and physical.You know that it works to keep me on my toes with a mixture of loving affection, strict controlling orders, respect and rough treatment. You know that i am interested in experimenting with bondage, sadomasochism, role play, toys etc. and very open to anything You want to try/do. You know my hard limits.

So now i need to know and accept that You'll use that knowledge however You see fit and it's not for me to decide. i am Yours to do with what You will Master. Always. Your s

spanking again and cerebral sex

A discovery was made last night. D spanked me while i was wearing the K-balls and He made me cum! It really took me by surprise as it's usually quite difficult for me in general so this is not something i would have expected or predicted. It made me feel wonderful and then very little and girly and led to very very good sex rounded off with D choosing to cum in my ass which, incidently, i am learning to love because it makes me feel so incredibly submissive. 

We're having this kind of ongoing little issue about talking during sex. it is something i desperately need to be able to get into it properly- i'm definitely one of those women whose brain is her most important erogenous zone. D has no problem with this in principle but it is not something that comes naturally to Him and i find that trying to lead Him into this not only feels unsubmissive but also greatly  lessens the effect when He does talk. Not really sure of a way round this atm so i'd guess we might welcome any helpful suggestions.

 - i think, specifically, the issue is that i am discovering that 'erotic humiliation, seems to really do it and for me so alot of the vocal stuff that works for me D  still has somew negative associations with that He finds hard to reconcile with the love respect He feels for me. As i'm writing this i'm realising that probably the most useful thing to do would be to employ some patience and stop pushing...

Being cared for

i've had an emotionally draining couple of days. Last night i was so tired i was almost in tears. D sat me on the sofa next to Him to watch tv and took a firm grip on my collar so that it pushed up under my chin. immediately i felt better. When He gave a firm squeeze to my nipple i forgot all the troubles of the last two days...

New habits

Two new habits are evolving this week.

The first is that i seem to have a new sleep cue to replace the masturbation. Falling asleep with D's fingers hooked around my collar makes me feel safe and secure. i feel owned.

The second is that these arrived this morning. D has decided to have me wear them every day at about three o'clock. The reason for this being that very often in His job it is difficult for Him to check in with me during the day and we've been noticing that this seems to cause  dip for me around this time. i really like the idea of some kind of reminder of my place while He's not even here- it makes me feel so cared for. i've got to start off with half an hour today and report back to Him this evening. i suspect it's going to be quite a difficult half hour with the no touching rule still in place! He did let me bring myself to orgasm for His entertainment last night though- i wouldn't want You to think He's mean hee hee!

new mindset

Not touching myself is something i'm finding very difficult.

i've always had difficulty getting to sleep and have often suffered from bouts of insomnia and bringing myself had become a bit of a crutch for me to be honest. Up until this week i'd probably done it virtually every night for the last ten or so years. So it's hard. But i like that it's hard. i think until this week things had still very much been about what i wanted: the control i need to feel, the ways i need Him to be dominant, how being used makes me cum - you get the picture.

Now that i'm struggling with something that He's decided completely off His own back it seems so much better. i seem to have totally relaxed into just experiencing our personal brand of D/s. i can cope when things don't go 'to plan' (by which i probably mean to my plan- doh) and D seems so much more confident because i'm not second guessing Him.

i feel like i want to keep striving to please Him like this. i like that it's beginning to change the focus for both of so that our mindsets are more about HIs pleasure. i'm wondering if me being denied orgasm during sex for a (hopefully short!) while might be a natural progression to help both of us explore this. It feels like it's been mostly about getting me off for most of our relationship for one reason or another.

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Update: i've just read domestic daisy's post. She described what i'm trying to so much better than i can! It's soooo reassuring to know other people are experiencing the same things. Thanks Daisy :)

i miss touching myself!

 

i feel like i may as well be wearing one of these!

i'm not even allowed to ask to touch myself until friday evening and it's driving me crazy! 

i guess He has me right where He wants me huh? He's threatened to make me beg which is kind of intimidating and arousing at the same time... eek!

Be careful what You wish for

So we had a pretty disastrous weekend. We were both stressed and tired after a difficult week and both fell straight back into our old habits. D retreated and pretty much stopped communicating, i invaded his space with neuroses and pressured Him to be more 'Domly ' when He was clearly not feeling it. Of course rows and bad feeling ensued with us both feeling wronged.  Attempting to scene on Sat eve was a bad idea but neither of us had really recognised what was happening by that point.  By Sun eve i pretty much exploded in a rant and to D's eternal  and extreme credit He listened to my hissy fit and then spanked all of the anger and frustration out of me - it was the first time i truly felt like this was Him disciplining me rather than doing it because He knew i wanted it.

Yesterday was an equally exhausting day but i was able to approach it much more positively. Even when He told me He was not horny in the evening i didn't get all antsy like i have in the past. But when we got into bed i asked for permission to give myself an orgasm He took me completely by surprise telling me that He'd actually been thinking about this in during the day and thought that witholding it might bring us more in sync. 

i told Him that i felt it possible, even likely, that it'd make me even more horny but He decided (of course) that He was fine with that and because i stupidly asked for clarification i'm now not allowed to even touch myself.

Immediately of course i was unbearably aroused so i was incredibly thankful to discover that taking this control had turned D on already as He ordered me to turn around and lie on my back saying He wanted to taste me.

Kneeling over me He began to thrust into my mouth while He licked me, quite gently at first but pushing me further and further. i began to feel like drift at the sensation of feeling like a hole available for His pleasure. Abruptly i was brought back as He began to clamp His teeth down on my clit. The feeling was so intense - at first i felt panicky, D's never used pain like this before and i wasn't quite prepared for it, and thoughts of safewords flashed through my head but i was able to calm myself enough to remember that this was D and i trust Him and that allowed me to just experience the sensation. 

He really did bite hard and it was long enough that the rush of sensation when He let go was even more painful and intense. 

At first all i could focus on was breathing as His cock entered my throat and that it HURT but it felt so good to take that from Him. Before i knew it though i could feel myself getting closer to the brink.

When He had me get up on my knees and place my hands on the wall i was begging for release almost as soon as He grabbed my hair and started rubbing His cock against my extremely sensitive clit.

He made me ask twice before He decided He would grant my wish, but not before pushing the head of His cock up into my ass so that when He ordered "cum now" i milked Him to His release. 

Wow the feeling of His cum dripping out of me as i fall asleep curled up next to Him makes me feel beautifully submissive.

je vois la vie en rose!

Old Habits Die Hard.

What do you do when you feel your Dom/ Top etc is in the wrong about something? Hopefully not the same as me. 

This morning i was attempting a 'fresh start' after we hit some problems [possibly more on this later] which we seemed to have resolved in a positive way. i was hoping to show my new positivity to D by enthusiastically carrying out one of the new protocols D has given me which is serving Him His food at the table and waiting for (very discreet) permission before i eat. This morning He kept doing stuff in the kitchen rather than sitting down so i could serve Him. Even when i reminded Him that i was meant to be serving Him He still found reasons not to sit down and i felt like i was still being punished for what had gone before. This inconsistency had also been one of the big issues over the weekend. 

i reacted, maybe predictably, by getting increasingly stressy and stroppy. i basically sat and criticised Him over the breakfast table and totally forgot to wait for permission to eat. Effectively, what i did was make an opportunity to serve Him all about me.

i guess recognising these old habits is the first step to changing them...

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i've not written about the scene from Sat as it has raised some issues that we are still processing and one way we are doing this is that D is going to choose a time for a 'reattempt' when He has the mental energy for it and we are also probably going to move them to Sun nights after that.

Happy Valentines!

 

 

turning a corner

Things seem to have moved on a step around here. D seems so much more confident and has started alluding to changes He will be making before long. It's all very arousing- it makes me feel very small and girly and i absolutely love it! 

It is good to know that the talk we had 2 evenings ago has really paid off- especially as it was really difficult for me. For some reason i felt especially vulnerable and to have D make decisions about what i needed felt like turning quite an important corner.

i've just done some fantasy confession to D in our private journal and it's got me so horny writing it all out like that but he's not home for aaaages! Maybe i should text him... Drat this asking for permission- what have i gotten myself into?

high maintenance maintenance?

i've had a really tough week this week- largely due to some health issues coinciding with son's 3rd birthday and people visiting so i'm a little all over the place. D discussed this with me last night and has taken the decision to 'tighten the reigns' which i am now realising is very much what i need. He's going to introduce what i'm going to describe as 'protocols' for certain things about my behaviour and interaction with Him- this is partly to help me receive regular reminders of His control (i think the idea He's working on is things that will be spaced out through our normal daily routines) and also to work on improving the way we interact outside of sex play. We're going to establish details at our Friday 'maintenance meeting'. He also mentioned reward charts and denial of privileges as punishment- eek!

i am so very thankful for this but can't help wondering if the need for regular reminders etc. makes me a high-maintenance sub? What do you think?

saturday scene #2

Sorry for the delay with this- i'm going to do my best to remember now.

We had discussed using some bondage this time but that was all i knew to expect.

To start with D had me put in the 'love egg' in front of Him where previously i'd been allowed to go to the bathroom. This felt extremely undignified and quite quickly put me in a submissive headspace so i knelt very quietly and obediently while He tied me up. 

In seemingly no time i was tied with one rope around my middle, holding my arms at my sides, another holding my wrists behind my back A ribbon running down from my waist, between my legs and attached at the back. Kind of a little bit like this

only without the clothes or fancy rope (remember we're just beginners!)

He added a 'tie gag' (ie rope in my mouth and tied behind me.  - the gag thing really works for me, it gives me that real sense of handing over control and makes me feel so beautifully vulnerable.

Next thing i knew i was on my side with thighs and ankles tied and a blindfold on. So aroused  already! D then had me test out the way He wanted me to safeword while i was gagged and this actually made me sooo hot as it reminded me how in control He was.

So i was preparing myself for Him to touch me, tease me, whatever He wanted but instead He put headphones on me with a guided meditation  and just 'left' me (although obviously He didn't). i had quite an internal struggle to begin - the thing i was focusing on was that these guided meditations are 10 mins each and i was worrying about being 'dragged' out part way through and my reaction ruining the scene or some such nonsense but i think really this was about being able to let go- as soon as i reminded myself to trust D it became much easier to go with it.

The meditation was interesting as  i've done it many times before but this time it took on a special significance- there are quite a few lines about 'accepting this power' and appreciating the 'beauty of a place where you are at peace".

D had me do three of these between each one He changed the vibration pattern of the egg and moved my position from my side, to my back, to my knees with my head on the sofa. 

We had a blip in the middle where the bubba woke up and D nipped up to resettle her which took longer than expected. As soon as i heard Him on the stairs i felt v panicky even though i was perfectly safe and He was only minutes and always in earshot. So we've since discussed that if this occurred again He would first loosen my wrists and speak to me.

By the end of over half an hour of sensory deprivation and vibration i was intensely in my own little space and so very wet and ready. The ribbon between my legs drove me absolutely crazy! i was completely torn between trying to get away from it and wanting to rub the right bits against it. It was a truly intense feeling and i'm pretty sure D enjoyed watching me writhe around in the reverie it induced.

As You might imagine, when He did start teasing and talking to me it didn't take me long to be begging for release- which He was kind enough to grant but He did take the gag off first as He enjoys hearing me cum.

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p.s. Last night i voluntarily handed over control of masturbatory orgasms. This may sound crazy but i've been having real problems with feeling that orgasms were a controlled privilege during sex when i knew i could just give myself one whenever i liked so i guess i needed this to get int he mindset properly. Of course D graciously accepted. Gah!

We have 'vanillas' staying with us for next 2 days. i will write about Saturday's scene and some good spanking news but it's going to be slightly delayed so... watch this space!

empathising

D asked me this question in our private blog yesterday

"i wonder if there is any precedence for the transfer of feelings between dom and sub, like the sub starts to empathise so much with the doms feelings that they start to feel them as i they are their own. i am certainly relating on some kind of gut level with what you have been writing. to the point that i'm almost uncomfortable reading it. not sure what this means but it kind of helps to write it out of me."

Any thought/ideas?

pissy, bratty sub- oh dear!

Gah! i am in such a pissy mood and i don't really know why! i've been snappy with D and just don't seem to have any control over it. Not sure what's got me in such a bad mood but i DON'T LIKE IT!

sorry, mini-rant over- not sure what to do to make myself feel better - roll on the weekend! 

spanking

last night D was back after a night away and this is often a difficult time for us as we've both been so immersed in our 'other' roles and particularly i've had to be Domme mummy- hee hee.

Last night we'd planned to cook together which was really enjoyable and it felt like we were able to relax much quicker than we normally do but when we were finished and went to sit down it still felt like something wasn't quite right. D automatically went to turn the TV on and i think i sighed rather dramatically which was pretty out of line of me- even if my point may have been valid it was fairly disrespectful and it seemed to increase D's feeling that there was a weight of expectation on Him. He commented that His body language was still very distances from me as i knelt in front of Him and i was worried that the kneeling sometimes feels to Him like i'm waiting for something which is not what i intend at all.

i took the initiative at this point and suggested that He tried spanking me as a way of helping us feel closer and Him in control without expectations while we continued to chat. He was quite open to the idea and we managed to find a comfortable position where He sits in the middle of the sofa so that i can be over His lap without putting pressure on my dodgy shoulder. We continued to chat a little  while experimenting with different types of slap and He asked how different things felt. The whole thing was really wonderful and i found that recognising that it was wrong to have an idea of how it 'should' be really helped me to just enjoy what we were sharing and D found that He was getting very aroused by the whole thing which i think surprised Him a fair bit.

We stayed like this until it was my bedtime and then He sent me off to bed with a fairly chaste kiss- SO lovely to be cared for like this and i feel so much love for Him right now.

This morning He woke me up with His hands all over for me (morning sex is no go for us atm on account of the two young children who are very early risers!) and then used a finger to push my chin up and hold it there. i was instantly aroused- gah! i think today is going to be a very long day!

s

lucky

this is taken from my private journal...

i am lucky You listen to and respect what i have to say.

i am lucky You are enjoying exploring Your dominant side.

i am lucky You let me serve You but don't let me overdo it.

i am lucky that You gift me with Your cock and cum.

i am lucky that You enjoy my orgasms.

i am lucky that You are so patient with me.

i am lucky that You want me to wear Your collar.

i am lucky that You have such a wicked imagination

i am lucky that You are enjoying pushing boundries.

i am lucky to be Yours.

progression

i had a kind of breakthrough day yesterday.

It started off pretty awful as i realised i'd left the pushchair in the boot of the car that D had just driven off to work in. Even a month ago this would have been the kind of thing that i'd have got so annoyed about that i'd have obsessed about it probably all day and also harboured resentment against D no matter how irrational that may be. Yesterday though i realised that D doesn't like me to stress about stuff, as i have a tendency to, so i just ... didn't! 

i realised that i could use my submission as a way to sort of calm and centre myself and it feels pretty wonderful actually.  i was able to call upon it at a few points in the day and really focus on the way i wanted to be when He got home. 

On the back of this, last night was the first time since we've started this journey that He was horny and i wasn't particularly (it's possible this is the first time ever hee hee!)- It felt like i was able to move on a step in my submission because i could use the 'centreing' to be exactly what He needed me to be and take real genuine pleasure in that- the sex was probably fairly vanilla but emotionally it most definitely wasn't.

It's left me feeling really very at peace and calm.

Unfortunately today D is working away overnight. This new 'centreing' discovery is definitely helping but i still find it very very hard- it leaves me with this totally irrational feeling of abandonment which seems to come out very similar to resentful- but anything He does that reminds me of His control- for example the occasional text order- breaks me out of this and helps me remain focused and push through. I'd guess He's been rushed off His feet today though as i've not really heard from Him.

Role on tomorrow evening.

l'absence est a L'Amour ce qui au feu, le vent

Saturday scene #1

Part of our new agreement is that Sat evenings will be reserved for our own interpretations of 'scening'- by this we basically mean reserving some extra time and energy for our, now kinkier, sex life and putting a little forethought or planning in (we've diswcussed that sometimes D will surprise me and sometimes we'll pre-plan something we want to try).

So this Sat i had no idea what was coming. D hadn't left a shirt out for me so i waited for Him to shower kneeling on my cushion wearing nothing but my collar. When He came out of the bathroom He began our session by addressing me with

"You must be the girl madam brought, hmm I must say I'm not convinced by her choice. I presume she told you I prefer you not to speak? you may nod."

We've never really done role-play before but it felt like an absolute perfect choice after the emotional turmoil of the previous two evenings and i was instantly more aroused and feeling very submissive.

He had me stand in front of Him so that He could 'inspect me' which really did feel very humiliating, especially as i could feel myself getting wetter and wetter- i suddenly became very interested in the wall above His head!

Apparently satisfied allowed me to give Him oral pleasure but then decided i was distracting Him so had me hold still with His cock growing in my mouth as He played around with holding my nose for longer and longer- forcing me to suck in air around Him.  The way He was enjoying just playing like this gave me an awesome sense of objectification. 

Once He tired of playing with His toy He had me dance for Him- He knows this makes me feel extremely submissive because i find it so embarrassing- i think i'm getting better though and this time it helped because He kept giving me direction.  Eventually i ended up with my arse dancing in the air with instructions to keep my arms and head on the floor. Every time i moved out of position or stopped 'dancing' i received a stinging slap on the butt.

When He thrust into me i was taken slightly by surprise and *slap*

"did I tell you to stop dancing?"

the slap sent me flying forward off His cock for which i, of course, received another slap.

He fucked me so hard i could feel Him pushing against my cervix and i tried to ask for permission to cum but was slapped for every "please" so in the end i just lost it- i'm really struggling to keep this controlled for Him and i think it might be because He's so generous and forgiving about it at the moment- He really didn't seem to even notice and this was such a turn on- like my pleasure was irrelevant.

He left me, fully sated,  on the floor

"Maybe Madam's choice wasn't so bad after all, it was only our first session after all"

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yesterday D and i discussed 'visions for the future' yesterday. i suggested that it might be easier for me to stop being impatient if i had an understanding of where He saw us heading so He has tasked me with trying to find some inspiration for this fir Him- any ideas or suggestions? Please?