progression

i had a kind of breakthrough day yesterday.

It started off pretty awful as i realised i'd left the pushchair in the boot of the car that D had just driven off to work in. Even a month ago this would have been the kind of thing that i'd have got so annoyed about that i'd have obsessed about it probably all day and also harboured resentment against D no matter how irrational that may be. Yesterday though i realised that D doesn't like me to stress about stuff, as i have a tendency to, so i just ... didn't! 

i realised that i could use my submission as a way to sort of calm and centre myself and it feels pretty wonderful actually.  i was able to call upon it at a few points in the day and really focus on the way i wanted to be when He got home. 

On the back of this, last night was the first time since we've started this journey that He was horny and i wasn't particularly (it's possible this is the first time ever hee hee!)- It felt like i was able to move on a step in my submission because i could use the 'centreing' to be exactly what He needed me to be and take real genuine pleasure in that- the sex was probably fairly vanilla but emotionally it most definitely wasn't.

It's left me feeling really very at peace and calm.

Unfortunately today D is working away overnight. This new 'centreing' discovery is definitely helping but i still find it very very hard- it leaves me with this totally irrational feeling of abandonment which seems to come out very similar to resentful- but anything He does that reminds me of His control- for example the occasional text order- breaks me out of this and helps me remain focused and push through. I'd guess He's been rushed off His feet today though as i've not really heard from Him.

Role on tomorrow evening.

l'absence est a L'Amour ce qui au feu, le vent